Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

how can i help solve this family dilemma?

Am 17 and my parents are currently separated, not divorced but they’ve been apart for months now. Basically my father moved to my grandma’s house after a fight with my mother and refused to come back since. My mother has been struggling to run the family, she’s having a hard time taking care of me and my 2 younger brothers and she’s really upset about the situation which causes her to put the pressure and stress on us. Family members from both sides told me that I should talk to my dad after they failed to talk some sense into him and although I know it’s the right thing to do I feel helpless. My father hasn’t always been the irresponsible jerk he is today, but his behavior changed over the years. He used to pay attention to his family and often spend quality time with us, but now he hardly cares about anyone anymore. The change started when he met this boy “I” around 8 or 7 years ago. My dad is obsessed with soccer and he has connections with managers and workers at the local team, so he often helped those he thought had potentials get in. “I” was one of those he decided to help, but instead of keeping things professional, he unintentionally intruded him into our lives. This boy is a around 10 years older than me, so at the time he was young and had many troubles that earned him my father’s sympathy. He had recently moved to our town, his parents were divorced and he had family issues so my dad decided to help. Long story short, his attempts to help him caused us a lot of trouble, as he became involved with this person’s life and family. Over the next 3 years, my parents fought every summer and each time they wanted a divorce but eventually got back together. The reasons for these fights were mainly because of this person and my father’s involvement with him. The last and more intense fight was because my mother suspected my father had an affair with “I”’s sister. Going through that mess exhausted us and my father promised to cut his relations to this person but his promises were never fulfilled. “I” is a reckless and self-destructive person who has proven to be a first class jerk, but my father considered him his own son. “I” became more successful and known thanks to my father’s efforts and constant support but his gratitude was shown through causing my dad financial and physical damage. My father had to sell his car and give the money to “I” to pay a loan and of course years passed and “I” never gave it back. And he had to travel with him to places and take care of all his legal matters which took its toll on his health since his no longer young and full of energy. So basically my father has been a toy in “I”’s hands and dedicated his time, effort and money to him which caused him to become financially unstable and psychologically strained. My mother often complained about it but she decided not to push it because this “I” person became some sort of limit and sacred line we should not cross. I myself chose to isolate myself in my little corner since my mother was putting all the frustration and anger on me and I couldn’t handle it. I looked poorly at both my parents and it took me time to realize that my dad was the one ruining us although I’ve never fully expressed it or admitted it. My father was someone I looked up to and considered as a smart and logical person who knows how to handle people and situations, but that image was slowly corrupted. Then the breaking point occurred a year ago, when my father started acting more isolated and careless than ever. 3 months later, he said he wanted to talk to me and he said he wanted to leave, continue his life elsewhere because he felt like he was an ineffective and unnecessary member in our family. He also told me he couldn’t stand my mother any longer, because she was too demanding and she often complained. I told him he was being unreasonable and he shouldn’t run away instead of trying to make things work but he was too desperate and told me I didn’t need him and I was fine on my own, we all were. I failed to convince him, and I kinda hated him for being a coward and hoped someday he’ll regret his decision and see how much he was wrong. Afterwards nothing changed, it was summer so my mother, brother and I spent a couple of weeks at my grandma’s who lived abroad. Then by the time school started my mother was getting sick of my father’s behavior, and the big fight happened. They were screaming at each other and I had to step between the two, my mother told my father to get out and he eventually obeyed. A lot of shit has happened afterwards, my mother blamed “I” and specifically his mother for what happened. She said the woman was a witch and she casted some sort of spell on my parents and she said it wasn’t the first time this happened. Of course I didn’t buy what she said but strange things has happened in mother’s attempt to get rid of the evil deed, and I honestly do partly blame “I” and his family for my parent’s quarrel not because of the black magic shit or whatever but because they all have bad intentions and that’s what I became most certain of. I won’t go into details of why because I’ve already said too much but they’re not good people who wants us any good and that’s a fact. My mother became like the devil to my father, the mere mention of her makes him angry and he refuses all reason when it comes to her subject. I haven’t tried to talk to him about our situation because I didn’t know what to say. Our relatives tried and failed and he himself doesn’t know why he feels this way and why he can’t go back home. Everything is so sudden and his behavior is truly confusing and irrational. He even went as far as telling our mother when this quarrel started “ tell them their father is dead” when she questioned his actions and used us against him. He never admitted the awful things he said to mum in front of me though, but I still felt hurt when she mentioned it. I know I have to talk to him because am doing the same thing as him by avoiding the problem but I honestly don’t know what to say. I’ve suggested therapy or consoling before and he mocked me so how can I be more help than a professional ? also ,I got used to him not being around and am the current situation only bothers my mother that much, but to me there’s no big difference. I know am not suppose to feel this way, but maybe am desperate too and maybe I’ve given up on him like he gave up on himself. I truly wish things were different but I don’t know how to change this, blaming him won’t do any good and saying I am in a desperate need for him to be around will be a lie, after all am 17 and no longer a little girl . I guess am just angry towards him although I don’t show it, and am traumatized by how irresponsible he is and how careless he’s being. What am I supposed to do? ( sorry for my English , am not a native speaker and sorry I had to write this much) thanks !

Re: how can i help solve this family dilemma?

  • edited March 2016
    cecebu said:
    Am 17 and my parents are currently separated, not divorced but they’ve been apart for months now.

    Basically my father moved to my grandma’s house after a fight with my mother and refused to come back since. My mother has been struggling to run the family, she’s having a hard time taking care of me and my 2 younger brothers and she’s really upset about the situation which causes her to put the pressure and stress on us.

    Family members from both sides told me that I should talk to my dad after they failed to talk some sense into him and although I know it’s the right thing to do I feel helpless.

    My father hasn’t always been the irresponsible jerk he is today, but his behavior changed over the years. He used to pay attention to his family and often spend quality time with us, but now he hardly cares about anyone anymore.

    The change started when he met this boy “I” around 8 or 7 years ago. My dad is obsessed with soccer and he has connections with managers and workers at the local team, so he often helped those he thought had potentials get in. “I” was one of those he decided to help, but instead of keeping things professional, he unintentionally intruded him into our lives.

    This boy is a around 10 years older than me, so at the time he was young and had many troubles that earned him my father’s sympathy. He had recently moved to our town, his parents were divorced and he had family issues so my dad decided to help.

    Long story short, his attempts to help him caused us a lot of trouble, as he became involved with this person’s life and family. Over the next 3 years, my parents fought every summer and each time they wanted a divorce but eventually got back together.

    The reasons for these fights were mainly because of this person and my father’s involvement with him. The last and more intense fight was because my mother suspected my father had an affair with “I”’s sister.

    Going through that mess exhausted us and my father promised to cut his relations to this person but his promises were never fulfilled. “I” is a reckless and self-destructive person who has proven to be a first class jerk, but my father considered him his own son.

    “I” became more successful and known thanks to my father’s efforts and constant support but his gratitude was shown through causing my dad financial and physical damage.

    My father had to sell his car and give the money to “I” to pay a loan and of course years passed and “I” never gave it back. And he had to travel with him to places and take care of all his legal matters which took its toll on his health since his no longer young and full of energy.

    So basically my father has been a toy in “I”’s hands and dedicated his time, effort and money to him which caused him to become financially unstable and psychologically strained. My mother often complained about it but she decided not to push it because this “I” person became some sort of limit and sacred line we should not cross.

    I myself chose to isolate myself in my little corner since my mother was putting all the frustration and anger on me and I couldn’t handle it. I looked poorly at both my parents and it took me time to realize that my dad was the one ruining us although I’ve never fully expressed it or admitted it. My father was someone

    I looked up to and considered as a smart and logical person who knows how to handle people and situations, but that image was slowly corrupted. Then the breaking point occurred a year ago, when my father started acting more isolated and careless than ever.

    3 months later, he said he wanted to talk to me and he said he wanted to leave, continue his life elsewhere because he felt like he was an ineffective and unnecessary member in our family. He also told me he couldn’t stand my mother any longer, because she was too demanding and she often complained. I told him he was being unreasonable and he shouldn’t run away instead of trying to make things work but he was too desperate and told me I didn’t need him and I was fine on my own, we all were.

    I failed to convince him, and I kinda hated him for being a coward and hoped someday he’ll regret his decision and see how much he was wrong.


    Afterwards nothing changed, it was summer so my mother, brother and I spent a couple of weeks at my grandma’s who lived abroad. Then by the time school started my mother was getting sick of my father’s behavior, and the big fight happened.

    They were screaming at each other and I had to step between the two, my mother told my father to get out and he eventually obeyed. A lot of shit has happened afterwards, my mother blamed “I” and specifically his mother for what happened.

    She said the woman was a witch and she casted some sort of spell on my parents and she said it wasn’t the first time this happened. Of course I didn’t buy what she said but strange things has happened in mother’s attempt to get rid of the evil deed, and I honestly do partly blame “I” and his family for my parent’s quarrel not because of the black magic shit or whatever but because they all have bad intentions and that’s what I became most certain of.

    I won’t go into details of why because I’ve already said too much but they’re not good people who wants us any good and that’s a fact. My mother became like the devil to my father, the mere mention of her makes him angry and he refuses all reason when it comes to her subject.

    I haven’t tried to talk to him about our situation because I didn’t know what to say. Our relatives tried and failed and he himself doesn’t know why he feels this way and why he can’t go back home. Everything is so sudden and his behavior is truly confusing and irrational. He even went as far as telling our mother when this quarrel started “ tell them their father is dead” when she questioned his actions and used us against him.


    He never admitted the awful things he said to mum in front of me though, but I still felt hurt when she mentioned it. I know I have to talk to him because am doing the same thing as him by avoiding the problem but I honestly don’t know what to say.

    I’ve suggested therapy or consoling before and he mocked me so how can I be more help than a professional ? also ,I got used to him not being around and am the current situation only bothers my mother that much, but to me there’s no big difference.

    I know am not suppose to feel this way, but maybe am desperate too and maybe I’ve given up on him like he gave up on himself.

    I truly wish things were different but I don’t know how to change this, blaming him won’t do any good and saying I am in a desperate need for him to be around will be a lie, after all am 17 and no longer a little girl .

    I guess am just angry towards him although I don’t show it, and am traumatized by how irresponsible he is and how careless he’s being. What am I supposed to do? ( sorry for my English , am not a native speaker and sorry I had to write this much) thanks !
    Wow...wow wow....How very very sad.

    I am sorry for your troubles.

    Your family should not be pressuring you to get involved in what is a father and mother/husband and wife issue.

    This is for your parents to hash out -- they need to see a counselor or a mediator --- a mediator would be best; it is inevitable that they are going to split permanently. They need a mediator to spilt amicably and with no friction and no strife.

    Not your place to get involved and you possibly can worsen or intensify what is already a very tenuous and tense problem.

    Your father should still be providing support for you and the minor children in the family -- both emotionally and financially --- and he should still be around for you kids to talk to and to see -- he has not spoken to you and your siblings (and your mother) and no word from Dad since he moved in with his mother? Sad.

    The pissing match needs to end and the both of them should call off the rancor and strife, for the sake of you kids and for the sake of their own health.

    There is something very funny going on with him and this "I" --- I suspect the worst on this one. You say he was about 20 when this first began? I suspect they are involved in a relationship.(I also suspect "I" is a bit younger than 27 by now)  If he was interested in "I's" sister, he'd have run off with her straightaway or moved in with her. It's the lad he is interested in. 

    You forsake your family and give this kid a "loan"???? That's outrageous!

    Something is funny with your dad and "I".  Again, sorry for your troubles -- your parents need to work this out for the best interests of their kids. Wishing you luck.
  • I don't think there is anything you can do to help save their marriage. They both have to want to work to save it for to work. But you can talk to him about his relationship with you and your siblings. Depending on how you think will be the best form of communication, either face to fact or in writing, tell him about how you are worried about him and that you miss him (which it sounds like you do from your post). Tell him how you feel "I" has come between you and him. And how you are concerned on how some of "I" negative behavior if affecting him & what it's costing him financially. I think the only thing you can do is approach this from the point of a almost adult child wanting to save her relationship with her father and for her father's well being. And tell him you just want to work to getting back to the close relationship you use to have with each other. This way you aren't yelling at him, you aren't telling him he has to go back to your mother, you are focusing on you and him (and possibly your siblings). Hopefully that will help to open his eyes and he will want to work on things with you. And who knows, as the two of you work on your relationship, maybe things can improve for your parents. They may still end up divorced, but if they can at least be nice to each other & it can make things easier. But for now, just focus on you and your dad and that relationship.
  • Yeah i don't think i'm in the right position to help , they're adults after all and they should find a way to solve their problems, it will happen sooner or later. Thanks for your help!

  • I think i do need to try and strengthen my relationship with my father. Am angry but i still love him anyway and i think expressing how I feel should help. Being silent and acting indifferent might give him the wrong impression so yeah.. thanks for your advice! 
  • For the sake of you kids -- and for their own mental and emotional health -- the 2 of them need to repair this so they are amicable and civil with each other.

    I suggested a mediator. They are heading to divorce; I don't know where you are, but a mediator here (this is the States) will enable both parties to settle things amicably and with no animosity.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards