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WWYD if you found this in child's tablet....

My daughter received a tablet at her fathers house this past year and she keeps it with her while at home (our house.) When she first got her tablet, it was synced through her fathers phone. Once she started bringing it home (she is with him on the weekends), I began to monitor her use on the tablet, as any parent would. Upon browsing the history, I quickly realized that I could see all of her fathers recent searches.... These searches include an immense amount of porn, "hookup" sites, Craigslist ads seeking hook ups, etc. ranging from Cougars, to transsexuals... This obviously left me very uneasy. For one, because she could come across his inappropriate internet use. And for two, because he lives this creepy double life that no one knows about him. It's been 6 years since our teenage relationship came to an end, thank God. And from my experience, he is an extreme Narcissist. So far, I have not addressed the issue with him for one reason. Blackmail. And not in a spiteful way, just in a protective way. I monitor her well, so in the meantime, I have just been viewing the history and snapping pictures of all that is on there. I do not believe my child is in any physical harm and am very glad that he surprisingly comes from a very good family whom she spends the majority of her weekends with him, with. I do not trust him and know he has definite mental health issues. I suspect along the lines of a borderline personality disorder. (He seeks therapy, but obviously is putting up a good front there as well.) So let me ask you, without causing distress unto my daughter...WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!?!!
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Re: WWYD if you found this in child's tablet....

  • I'd just delink the tablet from his account and let it go at that.  He's probably not even aware that you can see it.  Most people are not technically savy, they walk through the prompts when the device boots up and click on whatever sounds good assume they even read what's on the screen.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Delink indeed. Maybe he just had a look at those CL sites for shits n giggles.
  • Not to mention many people Google stuff they'd never actually do in person.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TarponMonoxide
  • I wouldn't be concerned about the sites he went to.  Some of them were probably for nothing but curiousity.  But even if that is not the case, he is a grown man and none of those things are illegal.

    I'd only be concerned about not wanting my D to accidentally run across them.  Like the others have suggested, just delink her tablet and clear out the history/temp files/cookies etc.

  • These sites aren't illegal as others mentioned. I agree to delink.

    The one question for me is this: if he's searching out a variety of sorts of online sexual encounters, what is to say he would not ever intentionally or accidently come across child porn, which is illegal? Or, meet up for a hook-up with someone under age? Or, get into child porn/hook-ups and have molestation problems with your daughter?

    I am not saying this to scare you, rather, many men on sites like this are addicted to porn, which is a real disease and not just a faint curiosity. Porn addiction can be a wormhole once they get into it, seeking out ever increasingly intense encounters and experiences. Soft core stuff often leads to more had core stuff, which often leads to more extreme things including experimentation. For example, drug addicts are often looking for another more extreme high...the "next best thing" to try. Porn operates the same way when someone is addicted. If he also has mental challenges then he may even be more susceptible to problems arising from this sort of online exposure.

    I might learn about ways to open a dialogue with your daughter. And, if you are concerned with his mental state, then perhaps you need to speak with someone who has experience dealing with this and with fathers interacting with children if the fathers have leanings toward porn and a multitude of sexual encounters.


  • Thank you for all of your responses. Unfortunately, I know for fact he is not just looking but seeking as well. I also have access to his email accounts, etc. @MommyLiberty5013 Thank you, i especially appreciate your input and was exactly the response I needed to hear. Grown adult or not, legal activity or not, I don't think I could simply just delink and brush it off. Nope, my anxiety would never allow it! You hit the nail on the head....Thankfully I have some great child & adult psychologists to work; I will speak with my daughters therapist about opening up dialogue as you mentioned as well as taking your advice to self educate more on this matter.
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  • Thank you for all of your responses. Unfortunately, I know for fact he is not just looking but seeking as well. I also have access to his email accounts, etc. @MommyLiberty5013 Thank you, i especially appreciate your input and was exactly the response I needed to hear. Grown adult or not, legal activity or not, I don't think I could simply just delink and brush it off. Nope, my anxiety would never allow it! You hit the nail on the head....Thankfully I have some great child & adult psychologists to work; I will speak with my daughters therapist about opening up dialogue as you mentioned as well as taking your advice to self educate more on this matter.
    ie.  I already had an opinion and just wanted somebody to justify it.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Thank you for all of your responses. Unfortunately, I know for fact he is not just looking but seeking as well. I also have access to his email accounts, etc. @MommyLiberty5013 Thank you, i especially appreciate your input and was exactly the response I needed to hear. Grown adult or not, legal activity or not, I don't think I could simply just delink and brush it off. Nope, my anxiety would never allow it! You hit the nail on the head....Thankfully I have some great child & adult psychologists to work; I will speak with my daughters therapist about opening up dialogue as you mentioned as well as taking your advice to self educate more on this matter.

    I know it is hard to read tone in a post.  I'm going to sound negative, but I mean it as food for thought.  Your first post sounded "a little too much in her ex's business".  But your second post is alarming.  Unless your ex knows you read his e-mail AND there is some purpose for you to do that, it is really bizarre and unhealthy behavior.

    Heck, I wish I could avoid managing my own e-mail account, lol.  I'm certainly not going to read my husband's e-mails.  And never in a million years would I read an ex's e-mails, even if we had a child together.

    You seem overly concerned about what your ex is doing.  It is largely none of your business.  Lots of men watch lots of porn.  It usually does not become an addiction.  Does your ex have a porn addiction?  Maybe.  But unless, during his visitations with your daughter, he is ignoring her to spend time behind closed doors with his porn.  It isn't your business.  Does your ex have random hookups with many women (or men) for casual sex?  Maybe.  But if all of that is done when his daughter is not around, it isn't your business.

    You may not like it.  You may think he is morally bankrupt in his sexuality.  I would totally understand and agree with all of that.  But none of that necessarily makes him a bad father.  And, if none of this is around your daughter, your opinion does not supersede his right to live his life how he wants to.

    Now, with all that said, obviously you will be concerned that none of this is going on around your daughter.  Absolutely.  We're in perfect agreement on that.  It's great if you have an open relationship with your daughter.  She is certainly old enough to pick up on, and probably mention to you, if there is a new "flavor of the week" every time she goes to her dad's house.  But you didn't mention anything like that, so I suspect it isn't happening at least in your daughter's presence.    

    Again, sorry to be harsh and I'm sure there are a lot of details I don't know, but you just seem to be blurring the lines between what is and isn't your business in regards to your ex.  And I can't help but say one thing that is negative...if you are reading your ex's e-mails without his permission or knowledge, THAT is more frightening and appalling than anything you said about him and his potential problems with porn/casual sex.

  • Thank you for your responses. If I'm over reacting, I wanted to be told that and I appreciate your approach on doing so. I first want to go ahead and throw out there that I see a highly reputable & well educated psychologist once a week for therapy to help with my ADD, depression & anxiety. All of these tend to play a part in over reacting to many things. I was actually advised by my dr that I could use this tool (tablet) as an 'insider', if you will. Please note that I'm not on there snooping every single day. When I FIRST came across the stuff, yes I was a bit traumatized and dug some. I think there's some hypocrisy going on for anyone who says they wouldn't do the same, just my thoughts. So I looked into the emails once, and the check the history weekly to clear it out. I know this seems strange for outsiders, but unless you've personally dealt or been involved with a serious narcissist or someone with BPD, it can be hard to understand how toxic they can be especially when untreated. I was certainly hoping people responding to this would focus more on the concerns rather than my reactions. Craigslist can be a very dangerous website and the fact that he is so careless on there is my main concern. There are some real creeps out there in the world and the fact that he is just allowing all his information out to random hookups really doesn't set well with me. @short+sassy
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  • I would delink the tablet from his phone if possible. If not, you need to tell him what is showing up on her tablet. I'm guessing he doesn't even realize what she (and you) have access to. You can tell him you discovered it while helping her with something on the tablet. What sites he goes to and who he meets up with when he doesn't have your daughter, really isn't any of your business. As long as he is doing right by your daughter, only exposing her to appropriate things for her age, then what he does during his non-dad time, as long as it isn't illegal, really shouldn't be an issue.
    short+sassy
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