Sex & Romance
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Newlyweds Struggling With Sex

Hi, I'm new here.

Okay, so my husband and I have been married for almost a month and were (are) both virgins. I'm 27, he's 28. Even before we got married we fooled around, a little oral here and a little fingering there. Now that we are married, we've been having a hard time trying to have penetrative sex. We've tried so many positions and I'm always aroused from foreplay, but we can never get it in. I think neither one of us know what the hell we are doing, lol. We try to use as much lube as we can, but still nothing.

I'm starting to wonder if it's me, maybe I'm just too tight, but he can get a finger in with no problem. I masturbate a lot, but I have never penetrated myself before. Hell, I could never get a tampon in either. My husband is also a bit on the heavier side, around 260 and I'm 140. He is a bit on the small size too. I figure maybe that is one of our problems too. I don't know what else to do. I really want to have full on sex! It's so frustrating not being able to finally do it. Can you guys help me out?

Re: Newlyweds Struggling With Sex

  • You might have an issue with your vaginal muscles being too tight. I forget the medical term, but it is a medical condition that can be treated. You'll want to discuss it with a gynecologist. You won't be the first person they have seen with this problem.
  • edited January 2016
    Hi, I'm new here.

    Okay, so my husband and I have been married for almost a month and were (are) both virgins. I'm 27, he's 28. Even before we got married we fooled around, a little oral here and a little fingering there.

    Neither one of you was a virgin, just by that definition. You still fooled around and oral sex and digital penetration is INCLUDED in the category of "having sex."

    (here is how we failed at sex ed....and public figures that say "oh that was not having sex, it was oral stuff" --- endorses the fact that we still live on myths, years after the Sexual Revolution began -- began over 45 years ago.  I was there when it began -- we were in middle school -- and I saw it failing even then.

    Now that we are married, we've been having a hard time trying to have penetrative sex. We've tried so many positions and I'm always aroused from foreplay, but we can never get it in. I think neither one of us know what the hell we are doing, lol.

    We try to use as much lube as we can, but still nothing.

    I'm starting to wonder if it's me, maybe I'm just too tight, but he can get a finger in with no problem. I masturbate a lot, but I have never penetrated myself before. Hell, I could never get a tampon in either.

    My husband is also a bit on the heavier side, around 260 and I'm 140. He is a bit on the small size too. I figure maybe that is one of our problems too. I don't know what else to do. I really want to have full on sex! It's so frustrating not being able to finally do it. Can you guys help me out?
    I am willing to bet you still have an intact hymen.

    It happens --- you will have to find yourself a broad minded ob-gyn --- interview several and do not stand for baby talk or "it's all in your head" or "Oh you 2 need to relax and have fun" --- bullshit.

    This is a genuine medical problem.

    I do not think it is vaginisimus --- that's a psychological thing and if you think that might be the  problem, feel free to speak to a sex therapist -- no, talk to one anyway. There is no shame and no taboo in having a hymen surgically removed.

    This is a routine procedure and takes maybe an hour. 

    Wishing you luck.

    PS: the "average" penis size is 6" when erect. It's girth, not length... bone up on what is average, so to speak.:)
  • It's to his benefit to perhaps lose a few pounds. I am pretty sure that excess weight in males can lead to problems hormonally, same as it does for very overweight women -- if you are a woman and you're carrying more than 50 excess pounds, it messes with your estrogen --- you store estrogen in your fat, too -- and I know that some women that heavy have problems with their periods, due to the excess weight (not PCOS -- just from being very overweight).

    You know he will feel great also, once he loses a few pounds...this is a whole other thread and I really don't know how to drop hints to a spouse. I am sure he knows he needs to lose a few.:( All of us, really, are struggling with a few extra pounds these days, including me.

    Currently I am eating 4-5 small meals a day, maybe 350 calories each. Seems to work for me.:)  Been doing it the last few weeks.:)
  • Hello! I'm new to TheNest, I hang out on TheKnot a lot as we are planning our wedding. Just wanted to pop in on this post. I think there are a few things going on -

    Take the pressure off penetration. Seriously. My FH wasn't technically a virgin but he was very inexperienced and had never orgasmed with another person before me. He had difficulty getting and keeping it up, which makes it extremely hard to insert. That may be what's happening here. FH and I weren't having regular, successful penetration until nearly 2 years into our relationship. (We did try a lot though!) You can and should keep trying for penetration, but it should be NO BIGGIE when it doesn't happen. This can be hard, it's hard to mask the disappointment sometimes, but it's so important not to make him feel like he's inadequate because it just perpetuates the cycle. Focus on oral and manual sex, lots of cuddling, dirty talk, kink, whatever you guys are into (not sure if porn or fantasy plays a role in your relationship but now would be a great time to explore it together!). Keep the intimacy up and keep trying for penetration. Once you get it, it will be worth the wait!

    Sidenote on the first one... not sure if TTC is a part of your immediate plans but that can be an added layer of pressure causing performance issues. Obviously family timing is very personal but that's something to consider. 

    The hymen is not a barrier that gets broken. Popping the cherry is a huge myth. Instead, it gets stretched over time (and in some women it never stretches all the way). I would focus on getting penetrated in other ways besides his equipment. In addition to fingering I would use a very small sex toy - please no huge jelly dildos lol! Let your H use the toy on you, and make sure that your clitoris is stimulated during this process because a vast majority (more than 70%) of women can't orgasm from penetration alone. Basically this boils down to practicing! It will make penetration much easier later if you are relaxed and pain free. Going by society's definition of virginity (which medically does not exist), I was a virgin when I had sex with FH. I had oral and other kinds of sex with men before him, but he is the only person I've had PIV with. However, I had been using penetration as part of masturbation for years, so I was all prepped and ready to go LMFAO! 

    I am a fat lady and I'm sorry to say but weight plays a huge role in sex. Generally speaking as a society we are horrible at estimating weight so I'm going to put him a bit heavier than you estimated. Although it doesn't really matter because either way, he is obese. (As am I.) He almost certainly has a fat pad on his pubis that is hiding some of his length. Some guys have claimed to get 2 full inches back when they lost weight! Ha! Not sure if that's true but he'll get some amount of length back if that fat pad gets smaller. Dropping some weight will definitely make sex easier too, just in terms of athleticism - holding yourself up is tough when you are heavy. I do go on top because it's easier for me to come that way, but it's really tough work at my size and the effort can be distracting if I am not properly motivated (I usually wait to get on top until I am good and ready). So maybe you should focus on being on top at first so he can get used to penetration without having to hold himself up. You could also try pillows for this, to lift up your body to the same height as his pelvis so he can just be on his knees thrusting forward instead of holding himself over you and thrusting down. Or, if the heights match up, have him stand at the edge of the bed and position yourself at the edge, with your legs around him. 

    Also, read Dan Savage's archives like crazy. You don't have to accept or try everything that he talks about but it is a good way to open your mind and explore! And masturbate a lot, and keep up the intimacy with frequent oral sex, cuddling, and any kinks you may have... and try to leave society's messages about fucking like monkeys all night long at the door. It just breeds insecurity. Plus, as someone who has really great sex a lot, "all night long" would be a nightmare! Talk about chafing. Ouch. :P 

    Good luck, OP!!!! Rooting for you guys. 
    OKCupid success story. First date May 2012. Getting married May 2016!
    arj14
  • I have to say, my new hubby and I were in the same boat when we made our first couple of attempts! And 90% of the issue was simply his gut getting in the way. Biggest surprise was that he couldn't "reach" me from behind! We tried varying piles of pillows under me, having me on top (which worked OK... but didn't really stimulate me in the right places...) tried off the side of the bed, having him kneel on a footstool.... all sorts of things! We're still working on it... but he does manage to get in there just fine now. Our current woe is that even with a little buzzing bullet down there, I'm taking WAAAAAY longer to get to climax than usual. It's like all that other action is distracting me? I don't know!
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards