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I think my husband is not attracted to me anymore...

flutterbygirlflutterbygirl
First Comment
member
edited January 2016 in Sex & Romance
It did not post the first time:

When my H and I got engaged and when we were first married our sex life was amazing. We both initiated at random times during the day and even at night when one of us would wake up we would initiate. We have now been married 6 ½ years and the last year or so everything has changed. I will try and initiate and put on something sexy or start touching or kissing him and it is like he is not interested. We cant just do it we have to wait until we are both going to bed and then have sex in there if we have it at all. Last night I said something to him and he told me that it is a rumor that guys constantly think about sex and want to do it all the time and that they are supposed to jump up and down if a woman mentions it to them. I know he is not cheating on me, but I just think that he is not attracted to me anymore. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts or ideas?

Re: I think my husband is not attracted to me anymore...

  • flutterbygirlflutterbygirl
    First Comment
    member
    edited January 2016
  • And I almost forgot, I have noticed lately he has been finding more reasons for his family, like his mom or little brother and his girlfriend(they are both 18) to come over for random stuff,like he is trying to have people in the house so I cant bring up sex or try to initiate. Then by the time they leave he is tired and just wants to go to bed.
  • edited January 2016
    It did not post the first time:

    When my H and I got engaged and when we were first married our sex life was amazing. We both initiated at random times during the day and even at night when one of us would wake up we would initiate. We have now been married 6 ½ years and the last year or so everything has changed.

    As you know, passion ebbs and flows, especially if you have been together for a good chunk of time --- I would say 2 or 3 times a week would be the norm for a couple sexually active more than several years, but under 15 years. (and if there is a kiddo or 2, probably a bit less than that)

    I will try and initiate and put on something sexy or start touching or kissing him and it is like he is not interested.

    Here is where I ask you:

    1-How long has this been going on?
    2-Have you spoken to him about any of this???

    We cant just do it we have to wait until we are both going to bed and then have sex in there if we have it at all.

    This sounds like a sexual rut you and he may be in.

    Have you thought of jumping into the shower with him, inviting him in with you...or setting up a bath for 2 and both of you make an evening of it? (bring in some wine and music and soft lighting and some tapas or munchies??)

    Last night I said something to him and he told me that it is a rumor that guys constantly think about sex and want to do it all the time and that they are supposed to jump up and down if a woman mentions it to them.

    Rumor is true, from the sources that I have "consulted"-- men do more or less *think*  of sex several times a day --- and I do not like the way he answered that question.

    This is bullshit.... you and he need an open and at-length dialogue in regard to why your mutual sex life is so stale.

    I suggest you do so this weekend.


    I know he is not cheating on me, but I just think that he is not attracted to me anymore. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts or ideas?


    As I said:

    1-How long has this been going on?
    2-Have you had an honest and at length conversation with him, and outside of the bedroom?

    If it's been more than 6 months, you have a problem.

    You still need to talk to him -- commitments are based on communication; without that, there is nothing -- and he owes it to you to fix this problem with you. No argument no excuses: fix it with you.

    You may also be in a sexual rut.

    Get some sex manuals for couples -- mainstream bookstores carry them -- explore that possibility --- and consider the shower and bath-for-2 suggestion.

    If he will not fix this, you have another problem on your hands. Nip this in the bud now. GL.
  • This has been going on more than 6 months...on our anniversary in the summer of last year  we had a staycation and we had sex a few times a day for several days in a row…we got some fun cards with different positions and tried them out it was amazing. Since then it has been back to our normal 1 position and it is hard to get him to want to have sex even once a week. I have tried showering with him, he says he does not understand having sex in the shower and doesn’t think it would be safe/doable.

    We do not have any children, he says he wants to try later this year but I am not sure if that is true.

    I just am baffled because I just want to be close to him and I love sex and I want it to be like it used to be. But he just does not seem to want any part of it. I have tried to talk to him and he just tells me that he does love me and is attracted to me and he loves having sex he just does not understand why I expect him to immediately jump up and want it too when I bring it up.

  • edited January 2016
    This has been going on more than 6 months...on our anniversary in the summer of last year  we had a staycation and we had sex a few times a day for several days in a row…we got some fun cards with different positions and tried them out it was amazing. Since then it has been back to our normal 1 position and it is hard to get him to want to have sex even once a week. I have tried showering with him, he says he does not understand having sex in the shower and doesn’t think it would be safe/doable.

    We do not have any children, he says he wants to try later this year but I am not sure if that is true.

    I just am baffled because I just want to be close to him and I love sex and I want it to be like it used to be. But he just does not seem to want any part of it. I have tried to talk to him and he just tells me that he does love me and is attracted to me and he loves having sex he just does not understand why I expect him to immediately jump up and want it too when I bring it up.

    ONE position???

    For a guy???

    This really is very very strange. And it doesn't sound good to me.

    You do not have to have sex IN the shower.

    YOu both will be nice and clean and pretty well rarin' to go for a lot of fun afterwards. It is also the intimacy of showering...it's to be close to each other also.

    Something is wrong here.

    I suggest you make it a priority to get an appointment with a sex therapist and a marriage counselor asap --- go on your own.

    Tell that person what you told us and see what he or she says.

    None of what you told us is good news. And this is hurtful to you too -- what was all of this with the staycation sex --- a game and a show put on for you??? You bet it's confusing and you bet it's maddening. Plus it's an insult to you.

    Do not plan on having any kids until you and he fix this together. This sure isn't the time to think about a family and not even for next year. I do not think you want to bring a child into the strain your marriage is now under.

    You both are experiencing a crisis and you need to fix this together.

    I don't know if he has shut the bedroom door, is having an affair, is gay or simply just is not interested in having sex anymore --- he is the only one who can tell you.

    It also can very well be he is not a sexual kind of guy nor will he ever be.

    I don't know what he "looks" like --- is this perhaps a body image thing -- has he gained a lot of weight since you were married, or is experiencing some kind of problem where he doesn't feel comfortable getting naked? That's a long shot. I don't know how he looks and even if he did gain a ton: you love him for him! It would be the same if you became quite heavy or became way too thin: he married you for you.

    Go see a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. What you are up against is not normal. GL.

    If he will not work on this problem with you and resolve it so that it is to your satisfaction -- may take awhile...

    You can do one of a few things:

    1-If the idea of an open relationship is something you like and want, he can give you permission to do so
    2-Decide if a sexless and affection-less marriage is for you and decide to spend the rest of your time together minus a sex life
    3-Say goodbye to your roommate and divorce him -- in the old days the courts used to call this "alienation of affection" and it was indeed grounds for divorce! --- and find a guy who loves having sex with you and who cannot get enough of you.

    Sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it is extremely important. Like money and religion -- and communication! -- you and your mate have to be in the same ball park and on the same page, together, about all of these issues. 

    Up to you to decide.
  • edited January 2016
    And I almost forgot, I have noticed lately he has been finding more reasons for his family, like his mom or little brother and his girlfriend(they are both 18) to come over for random stuff,like he is trying to have people in the house so I cant bring up sex or try to initiate. Then by the time they leave he is tired and just wants to go to bed.
    This is something you have to discuss with him. Isn't there a set time for you and he to have company stop in? Any time they want? I wouldn't lke that, under any circumstances.

    Also: Please don't delete.

    There may be a few more ladies -- and guys --- out here who want to offer their opinions -- besides, I have already quoted you.

    Deleting also isn't cool....this is an anonymous board and unless you;ve posted photos nobody knows who you are, anyways...so you might as well leave the post as is.:)
  • The company coming over has been a problem since we got married.( my family is in another state his lives within a few miles of us)  His family will stop by whenever they want, mostly mom and brother and they stay so long. If I say anything to my H after they leave he gets defensive and says well they will just have to not come by anymore and we fight. I told him I wanted to set some boundaries, like evenings after work need to be for us and then the weekends we need to take care of us first then family, but he just gets defensive again. He says he understands but I’m not so sure.

    As far as the image goes, we have both gained some weight in our marriage, which we are both in the process of trying to lose, in hopes that maybe someday we can start a family. Right now though he just says he likes sex at night before bed because it calms him down. I just feel like everything is always on his terms.

    I won’t delete this, I need advice and maybe my problem will help someone else who may be in a similar situation.

  • The company coming over has been a problem since we got married.( my family is in another state his lives within a few miles of us)  His family will stop by whenever they want, mostly mom and brother and they stay so long. If I say anything to my H after they leave he gets defensive and says well they will just have to not come by anymore and we fight. I told him I wanted to set some boundaries, like evenings after work need to be for us and then the weekends we need to take care of us first then family, but he just gets defensive again. He says he understands but I’m not so sure.

    As far as the image goes, we have both gained some weight in our marriage, which we are both in the process of trying to lose, in hopes that maybe someday we can start a family. Right now though he just says he likes sex at night before bed because it calms him down. I just feel like everything is always on his terms.

    I won’t delete this, I need advice and maybe my problem will help someone else who may be in a similar situation.

    I doubt very much that either one of you is the Goodyear Blimp. :)

    I am with you on the drop in anytime thing --- you may not want company for any variety of reason. Plus he's got to be a team with  you on this and he isn't doing that.

    I used to think that something like this is a cultural thing; I don't buy into that anymore. No matter what culture you are from, you are still supposed to be one integral unit with your spouse and that's a given. I suggest you and he get marriage counseling to rectify this problem: they cannot drop in any time. It makes no sense to allow company at any time of day or night.

    He will have to be with you 100% as far as marriage counseling goes and if not, it will be worthless for him to attend. If you and he can't get the teamwork thing fixed, you've got a rough road ahead of the both of you.

    Suppose you had kids and you had a rough day with them; kid has cried all day long and has refused to eat anything and everything you have done is to no avail --- and now it's 8pm  -- screaming tantrum from the kiddo, won't listen to you, you have to chase the kiddo through the house to try to corral him, the screaming worsens, you are chasing more....you are at your wit's end and ready to scream yourself.....and the doorbell rings and it is MIL...or Bro In Law...

    Uh....what now, with the kiddo screaming and crying blue murder?  You're supposed to be up for this company????

    Do you see where this is going and why this can't continue? 

  • Yes...That is where my head was at too. I cannot imagine trying to handle a child and then expecting to entertain our family if they stop by.

    Right now it is just so hard because he grew up being an adult in place of his father not doing anything around the house, he still feels like he has to be there every second for his mom. I constantly bring up the bible verse "a man must leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife" but it doesnt seem to do any good.

    I just want to feel like I am a priority instead of "well we have forever together so why does it matter if I do this now"
  • edited January 2016
    Yes...That is where my head was at too. I cannot imagine trying to handle a child and then expecting to entertain our family if they stop by.

    Right now it is just so hard because he grew up being an adult in place of his father not doing anything around the house, he still feels like he has to be there every second for his mom. I constantly bring up the bible verse "a man must leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife" but it doesnt seem to do any good.

    I just want to feel like I am a priority instead of "well we have forever together so why does it matter if I do this now"
    So this is another zappy-crazy family where the parents were not parents --- one was more or less absent? or do you mean your H did nothing around the house? That is wrong, too --- we all had chores and things to do around the house and that is how it was. You were told to keep you room reasonably clean, take out the trash, do the dishes, help with housework and yardwork --- I don't get these parents that did it all for their kids. It makes no sense.

    You are right: the vow is "forsaking all others" --- he has to be one with you. What you have described is not only not right, it's downright rude! you're expected to be at his brother's and mother's beck and call and you have no say?

    You've got to talk to him about this and lay down the line. He doesn't get it, not one word of it.  That you put up with nearly 7 years of this kind of mess --- and more than that, because he did this when you were just dating and not married yet --- amazes me. You hair should have ripped out completely months ago.

    He has to understand yo come first and that you come first no matter what -- and he is to make you happy in all areas of your life and marriage.

    The visits and the closed bedroom door end now. IF this means you tell the drop in visitor to go home, you do it -- and who cares what your H thinks. Does he care what you think? He lets these impromptu little get togethers continue.

    If this means you demand he ante up in the bedroom at least twice a week, do it. If he doesn't comply, you decide where to take this freeze out of his --- you didn't marry for a roommate. If you wanted a roommate, you'd have gotten one on your own.  A guy who needs a fire lit under him? How sad...for him, not YOU.

    The decision is going to have to be yours: you can decide to somehow live with the mess your H made or you can decide to take your life into another direction; doubtful he will 100% be on the bus with you for counseling. The choice is yours.
  • No the problem was my H did everything around the house my FIL was supposed to do.I guess now he feels like he needs to be a kid and not have responsibilities, idk. I just feel like he made the choice to get married and he needs to choose me.

    He says he is attracted to me and he loves me. But I just dont feel it. He said to me the other day that he is sorry if we are not having enough sex, he said he would work on it. However he said that either I am tired or something else comes up and we dont have sex. I told him if we didnt wait until we were going to bed it would not be a problem. Or if he would try and initiate. I guess I just need to feel wanted and sexy and loved. I miss the excitement and the fire we used to have. Now it just seems bland and like we use the same position and then we are done, sadly for a couple of weeks at a time.

    I just feel more like a best friend than a wife. I know we are supposed to be both but it feels more friendly than anything else right now.
  • No the problem was my H did everything around the house my FIL was supposed to do.I guess now he feels like he needs to be a kid and not have responsibilities, idk. I just feel like he made the choice to get married and he needs to choose me.

    So his mother more or less sees him as a substitute husband. This is not good. This is a terrible onus to put onto a kid, also!  This is almost like a household whre the father is not present at all.

    He says he is attracted to me and he loves me. But I just dont feel it. He said to me the other day that he is sorry if we are not having enough sex, he said he would work on it.

    Really?

    So why isn't he swinging into action...and he knows full well that the "if" is a YES --- you are not having enough sex. What kind of a cop out and excuse is this???


    However he said that either I am tired or something else comes up and we dont have sex.

    You told us that he more or less refuses when you initiate. So who is he kidding?


    I told him if we didnt wait until we were going to bed it would not be a problem. Or if he would try and initiate. I guess I just need to feel wanted and sexy and loved. I miss the excitement and the fire we used to have. Now it just seems bland and like we use the same position and then we are done, sadly for a couple of weeks at a time.

    This is skewed and crazy and all "off" ----wow, he has to pick up the ball. All I see here is excuse making and I see you saying to him "okay, let's do this"....and then it's the same ole thing.

    Please don't let this go on like the way it is. He either fixes this as of right now and it remains fixed... or else I see a lifetime of a roommate for you.

    I just feel more like a best friend than a wife. I know we are supposed to be both but it feels more friendly than anything else right now.

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