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Married to someone with a mental illness

I've been married to my husband for 3 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. My husband has depression and anxiety. He recently lost his job (with a good severance package) and has another job already lined up that starts in a month. In the meantime, the days that I am working (3 days per week 7a-7p) he is watching our daughter. It has only been 2 days and he has practically had a meltdown. After talking to him he says he cannot handle a toddler by himself and he didn't deny having suicidal ideation a when I asked him about it. He says he doesn't think He would harm himself but he is
Not sure. He did say he would never hurt our daughter. I never realized his anxiety and depression was this bad. He is currently on meds and his therapist has been trying to find him the right one.
More of a little backround story...we have been in counseling for around 6 months. We recently stopped due to our counselor being sick for some time. We are also moving to a new state 4 hours away to be closer to family. We currently have no family nearby. We have to sell our home and may have to live with my parents until our home is sold since we cannot afford both rent and a mortgage. So there are many stressors occurring.

I don't know what to do. He can be emotionally abusive to me (which is why we sought Counseling to begin with) and it's so hard to see him get upset with our daughter bc he cannot handle her. He has NEVER been physically abusive with myself or my daughter.

Part of me thinks we should just get through this, rent a place in the new state and put our daughter in daycare. (We couldn't put her in daycare before because of the hours we worked and he refuses to pay for a sitter or nanny since he's been unemployed). I'm hoping that after were settled, we can have a
More normal life with normal work hours and be able to take date nights and have my parents watch our daughter. Maybe things would get better?
The other part of me is done. We have been having marital issues and the topic of divorce has come up. I'm
Not happy and why would I stay in a
Marriage I'm not happy with? Why let my daughter see me go through emotional abuse?

Or it could get better. Now that I
Know how serious his illness is. I just don't know. I'm just looking for advice from anyone in a similar situation. Thanks in advance.

Re: Married to someone with a mental illness

  • Star0386Star0386
    First Comment
    member
    edited January 2016
    Another side note, he used to want to have another child. I have always wanted two as well. But now that he sees how difficult it is for him to handle
    One, he does not want another. While I understand that he feels this way due to his illness, it saddens me that we may not have one

    I also suggested to him that I quit my
    Job now (with a 2 week notice) and let my parents take my daughter for 2 weeks if they agree and then my husband and I can focus on getting the home ready for viewings. With me
    Not working, we could get the house ready much. Faster. Financially we can afford to do it but it would be tight
  • Star0386 said:
    I've been married to my husband for 3 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. My husband has depression and anxiety. He recently lost his job (with a good severance package) and has another job already lined up that starts in a month. In the meantime, the days that I am working (3 days per week 7a-7p) he is watching our daughter.

    It has only been 2 days and he has practically had a meltdown. After talking to him he says he cannot handle a toddler by himself and he didn't deny having suicidal ideation a when I asked him about it. He says he doesn't think He would harm himself but he is Not sure.

    He did say he would never hurt our daughter. I never realized his anxiety and depression was this bad. He is currently on meds and his therapist has been trying to find him the right one.

    More of a little backround story...we have been in counseling for around 6 months. We recently stopped due to our counselor being sick for some time. We are also moving to a new state 4 hours away to be closer to family. We currently have no family nearby.

    We have to sell our home and may have to live with my parents until our home is sold since we cannot afford both rent and a mortgage. So there are many stressors occurring. I don't know what to do.

    He can be emotionally abusive to me (which is why we sought Counseling to begin with) and it's so hard to see him get upset with our daughter bc he cannot handle her. He has NEVER been physically abusive with myself or my daughter.

    Part of me thinks we should just get through this, rent a place in the new state and put our daughter in daycare. (We couldn't put her in daycare before because of the hours we worked and he refuses to pay for a sitter or nanny since he's been unemployed).

    I'm hoping that after were settled, we can have a More normal life with normal work hours and be able to take date nights and have my parents watch our daughter. Maybe things would get better?

    The other part of me is done. We have been having marital issues and the topic of divorce has come up. I'm Not happy and why would I stay in a Marriage I'm not happy with? Why let my daughter see me go through emotional abuse? Or it could get better. Now that I Know how serious his illness is. I just don't know. I'm just looking for advice from anyone in a similar situation. Thanks in advance.

    Another side note, he used to want to have another child. I have always wanted two as well. But now that he sees how difficult it is for him to handle
    One, he does not want another.

    While I understand that he feels this way due to his illness, it saddens me that we may not have one

    I also suggested to him that I quit myJob now (with a 2 week notice) and let my parents take my daughter for 2 weeks if they agree and then my husband and I can focus on getting the home ready for viewings. With me Not working, we could get the house ready much. Faster. Financially we can afford to do it but it would be tight
    None of this bodes well.

    He an be abusive with you? Might I ask why you didn't call it quits right there and then?

    Abuse is not just physically harming your partner --- it is also verbal abuse and other bullshit like freezing the partner out and treating them like trash with purposeful intent.

    You yourself said you are not happy.

    That is the thing that stood out the most.

    What I suggest you do: get yourself to another counselor -- not the one you were seeing with him -- and bounce this off him.  It doesn't sound like there is anything here for you.

    And if he is such a short fuse when it comes to watching one child, what about two kids? What about other situations --- suppose you were ill for a long time and you were hospitalized for a long stretch? What happens when he gets overwhelmed at work?

    You don't need this.

    I suggest you take the kiddo and move back in with your parents and file for divorce. You always wanted 2 kids but you are willing to have a second one with a guy who cannot handle ONE child??? Bad idea.
  • Star,

    How long have you felt this way, and how long have you considered divorce. Living (and loving) someone with a mental illness is definitely a struggle. Tarpon is right, life throws many things our way, and it seems there will always be "stressors" for a variety of reasons. I definitely agree that you should seek additional counseling to work through some of what you're feeling. Although there may some short-term solutions which may take some of the pressure off in the meantime, you want to be sure that you're dealing with the concerns with the long term also in mind.

    Best of luck to you!
  • I think you need to get back into counseling and some individual counseling for both of you could be a good idea. Are there any activities during the day that your husband can go do with you daughter to ease his stress. Like going to the library for reading groups. Check out your local park systems to see if they have any programs for kids her age. A gym class, just different activities that would keep her entertained but since it would be organized by someone else and in a group setting, take some pressure off husband to feel like he has to be her sole source of entertainment.

    I do like your idea, if you can afford it for you to give notice and having your daughter go your parents to deal with packing up the house & getting it ready to put on the market. If nothing else, it would reduce your stress level which is good for you.

    After moving, continue counseling in your new location. Take advantage of having more family support near by and use them to allow for date nights for you and hubby and then also your daughter has time to bond more with those family members creating relationships she hasn't been able to have living further away.

    I also agree with Tarpon, like is always going to throw stressful things at you at different times. It's important to figure out how you will deal with them. When he gets stressed out, maybe you have to tell him "I understand you are stressed out right now, why don't you go for a walk, do yoga, or whatever helps him to calm down, for 30 minutes and we can talk after that."

    My impression is that you are frustrated by this situation but that you aren't ready to give up on your marriage yet. Do what you feel comfortable doing and see how things go.

  • Oh! that is really sad. It is very difficult to adjust with a person suffering from depression and anxiety. Try to talk with him and make him more comfortable.
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