Family Matters
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my kid brother

 I have 24 years I live and work in the city, while my parents and younger brother live in the countryside. This summer when I was home I made a deal with my parents that brother come to me and enroll the high school. so  in September he started high school. initially did well, bought him everything he needs. I started paying him math lessons because he said he need it. Sometimes he would come home by announcing  that he that day got B or C, but I was pleased with that. and everything was great until last week. his teacher asked me to come after work, to school, because I had several times urged by my brother and it became obvious that I have not received a single call. and there I was met with bad grades (all D and F) and information that he didn't come regularly to school for a few weeks now, the last two days didn't come at all. I called the man who gives classes of math, and he informed me that brother didn't come for a month. I was livid. the next day I got out of the house like going to work,and then sat in the car and waited to see what he's doing and where he's going. but my brother did not come out of the building. hour and a half later I was at the door of my apartment. he and two boys (which I had seen entered the building) were sitting in his room playing games, and smoking.  beer was laying behind them.
I was so angry that I didn't know what to do. I finally picked up the phone and told him to pack up and that I would call my dad to come get him. brother started to cry and beg me not to do it, that he wouldn't do something like that again and that I should just punish him, even spank him but not to say anything to our father. and I know why .I know what are my father's punishment like, I felt it on my skin. he is not cruel, only very strict. if comes to bad grades only, wouldn't be a problem, but an escape from school, stealing money and smoking are almost certain that he will get the belt,maybe even few times. I saw how he is afraid of  dad expecially when he almost fallen on his knees began to beg me. I do not know what to do? I know that this can't go unpunished, but I haven't the heart to leave it to my dad, especially as I can't be with brother when he will faced dad, and I know how dad  can be sometimes...
should I punish him on my own, and how to do that?

Re: my kid brother

  • JS189 said:
     I have 24 years I live and work in the city, while my parents and younger brother live in the countryside. This summer when I was home I made a deal with my parents that brother come to me and enroll the high school. so  in September he started high school. initially did well, bought him everything he needs. I started paying him math lessons because he said he need it. Sometimes he would come home by announcing  that he that day got B or C, but I was pleased with that. and everything was great until last week. his teacher asked me to come after work, to school, because I had several times urged by my brother and it became obvious that I have not received a single call. and there I was met with bad grades (all D and F) and information that he didn't come regularly to school for a few weeks now, the last two days didn't come at all. I called the man who gives classes of math, and he informed me that brother didn't come for a month. I was livid. the next day I got out of the house like going to work,and then sat in the car and waited to see what he's doing and where he's going. but my brother did not come out of the building. hour and a half later I was at the door of my apartment. he and two boys (which I had seen entered the building) were sitting in his room playing games, and smoking.  beer was laying behind them.
    I was so angry that I didn't know what to do. I finally picked up the phone and told him to pack up and that I would call my dad to come get him. brother started to cry and beg me not to do it, that he wouldn't do something like that again and that I should just punish him, even spank him but not to say anything to our father. and I know why .I know what are my father's punishment like, I felt it on my skin. he is not cruel, only very strict. if comes to bad grades only, wouldn't be a problem, but an escape from school, stealing money and smoking are almost certain that he will get the belt,maybe even few times. I saw how he is afraid of  dad expecially when he almost fallen on his knees began to beg me. I do not know what to do? I know that this can't go unpunished, but I haven't the heart to leave it to my dad, especially as I can't be with brother when he will faced dad, and I know how dad  can be sometimes...
    should I punish him on my own, and how to do that?

  • edited November 2015
    Send your brother back to your parents immediately ---- better yet, let them come and get him.

    Do not give your brother advance notice that they are coming. Just let the doorbell ring and you get the door.

    You do not have the experience or background to handle a problem like this; you are young and you have no experience with kids so it is not your fault.

    Why is he living with you in the first place? A dime says he was a big problem there too and that is why they sent him on to you.

    He needs intervention and that school needs to shut down. When he was not present in that school after 5 days, that school should have called you -- to find out if he was out sick or what the story was. They let this go for a month? what kind of bullshit is this?

    Cutting classes, getting Fs and Ds and drinking underage is an equation for a big problem. Send him home immediately.

    He needs what is known as toughlove. This is not your problem; it's your parent's problem to take care of this. If he gets no intervention -- he needs to see a counselor and possibly a mental health clinician --- he could wind up in jail or in a youth hall.

    You already don't know who his friends are and where he is going: as you can see, this is something that is out of your range of experience.

    EVERY parent needs to know who his kid's friends are and meet their parents also.

    They also need to know where the kid is going and with who and what time he should be back at home.

    And if you do not like the friend, the friend is a thing of the past; your child will drop that friend from his roster of buddies...if you were an experienced parent, that is what you'd have done.

    And thanks to losing so many days of school, he could possibly be required to repeat the grade next year -- that is how our school districts do it; a student is permitted to have only a certain amount of days "out" due to illness, or some family holiday (I never approved of that but that's another story) or something else where there is an excusable absence.,

    Send him back to your parents.

    Do not have any remorse.

    This is their problem and not yours. Wishing you luck.
  • Erikan73Erikan73
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    edited November 2015
    Yes he needs a punishment. You also need to come up with a list of rules and also a list of chores that he needs to do. For the rules, he needs to know in advance what the consequences are for breaking them. For school, if there is a way to do it, you need to drop him off & then pick him up after school. If you work too late to pick him up, if he is old enough, maybe he can find a job after school that is within walking distance of the school. I also think you need to meet with the school to find out why no one is contacting you when he's not reporting for classes or to school at all. That is major issue. Also meet with all of his teachers to see if you can create a process where they can send you regular updates. I know when I was in middle school if you hit a certain grade point the teachers had to send home weekly progress reports. Even if they send you emails with weekly updates on if he's attending or if he's turning in his homework and test grades, that will help you monitor his progress in school. Once he's shown progress with school and doing required chores, you can talk about him getting his game system back. You are his sister, but right now, you are his guardian who is responsible for making sure he goes to school and does what he is suppose. You aren't going to be doing him any favors just being his sister/friend. I think it's ok to give him a second chance, but I think things need to change going forward because if he flunks school, your dad will find out and then may be upset with you for not keeping a closer on him. Then you are both on dad's bad side. If dropping him off at school and picking him up isn't an option, maybe consider getting a security system set up for your home that would allow you to monitor the coming & going of people in your home (at all exits) that you can check from your computer/phone. That doesn't mean he won't go to someone else's home. But if he knows he can't stay at home without you knowing about it immediately, maybe he'll think twice too. The last thing, if you have anything of value like jewelry, I would lock it up as right now you have people coming into your home that you don't know and you aren't even made aware they are there.
  • The friends and that school need to go, in case you decide to keep this little bugger.

    (I still say send him home. He's afraid of daddy? Well, isn't that tough titty. That's what you get when you are a disciplinary problem, a truant, a behavioral problem at home and in school and possibly somebody with a drinking problem.

    Beyond your scope. Send him back.
  • My brother used to pull the same kind of shit -- come home from school, say there was no homework beause he did it all in study hall...

    And when it was report card time, he's got a bunch of Ds and Fs.

    My mother never nipped this in the bud. Bro's tennis coach goes "do you want me to bench him?" Uh, that probably would have done the trick! You can't let a kid get away with literal murder.

    (He barely made it through high school, managed to get accepted to a college somehow and you can bet that was a waste of time and money. Same thing: cutting classes and Ds and Fs and he got put on academic probation and reduced to a part time status... and was kicked off the uni tennis team because of it. WOW, was he maaaad.... Dude, the blame is entirely on yourself)
  • Anther option for tracking where he is or isn't is through his cell phone. Many companies offer it as a free or inexpensive service to track where other numbers on your account are.
  • What a mess.

    If you are going to be your brother's guardian here's a list of what you will have to do:

    Meet all of his friends and the parents of the friends and if you don't like the friends, you tell your brother that's the end of them --- they are prohibited to come to the house and he is not to go anywhere with them

    Know where Bro is going when he is going someplace over the weekend; get the name and address and phone number of the house/event/place...

    And set a curfew when he is to be home.

    Keep tabs on his schoolwork -- meet with each teacher and tell her/him you want the assignments emailed to you

    Require Bro to come home with all of his homework; check it nightly before he returns it to a teacher

    Set rules: he is to eep his room clean, his music down to a low roar, he is to help out around the house, he is not to get into trouble at school, respect all adults, etc.

    If he blows any one of these rules to hell, he gets sanctioned: Not permitted to go anywhere that weekend. Be prepared to have him sit with you for the whole weekend; he is not to leave the house.

    If he fails a class, what do you do if he is in danger of losing his year? Do you put him in another school? Do you pay out the nose for tutors? Do you meet with teachers and discuss why he failed the class?

    This is only a partial list.

    VERY daunting.

    I still vote you send him home. You are his brother, not his parole officer, his cop, his warden, his social worker, his consierge, nor are you his cook, his launderer or his butler.
  • I know I'm sort of late to this post, but I think you're in way over your head with this.  At 24 you're probably not in a position to deal with parenting your teenage brother who is struggling in school.

    He needs to go back to your parents, and they need to deal with this.  Your heart is in the right place, but this is not your responsibility. He's not going to listen to you or regard you as a serious authority figure in his life... because you're not his parent, you're his older sister. If he stays with you, he will not magically start following the rules just because you're doing him a favor. In fact, he'll probably move from cigarettes to pot and other harder stuff. And because you're the one in charge of him, it will be your problem.

    He needs to go back to your parents so they can deal with it.
  • I know I'm sort of late to this post, but I think you're in way over your head with this.  At 24 you're probably not in a position to deal with parenting your teenage brother who is struggling in school.

    He needs to go back to your parents, and they need to deal with this.  Your heart is in the right place, but this is not your responsibility. He's not going to listen to you or regard you as a serious authority figure in his life... because you're not his parent, you're his older sister. If he stays with you, he will not magically start following the rules just because you're doing him a favor. In fact, he'll probably move from cigarettes to pot and other harder stuff. And because you're the one in charge of him, it will be your problem.

    He needs to go back to your parents so they can deal with it.
    There has never been any proof that pot led to harder drugs.

    Peer pressure does, however. And it seems as though Kid Brother will jump off a roof if this dumb bunch of pals tells him to do so.

    Send him back to your dad. So he'll get into trouble with dad. That's just tough for KB.
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