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Re: Need Advice!

  • I'm a full time musician, but there have been times in my career that I've acted quite a bit.  Maybe not everyone can handle seeing their SO act intimately with another person.  You need to decide if this is something you can handle or not, because this sounds like something that's very much a part of his life.  Is this his career or a hobby?

    It's very common to feel "post show blues" where you miss the cast, so reunions are common, especially for non-professional theatre.  You make friends and you want to socialize with them.  

    He's not doing anything untrustworthy at all.  If you are concerned that you aren't connecting with him, then have a discussion about how you need more time with him to connect, but don't make it about his fake relationship on stage or wanting to socialize with his friends. 
    TarponMonoxide
  • Yeah, I'm with blue bird. I see these as his coworkers. Not as much now, but there was a time when I liked to go out with my coworkers for a drink occasioanlly. And after big projects could come to an end- we'd often have a big celebration. I don't know that I see this as being all that different. ANd you not "trusting" these girls...??? You really only need to worry about HIM. If you trust him, it simply shouldn't matter about these girls. But why can't you go? Why can't you get go to the play? Go out for drinks too? Meet these people? If he doesn't involve you/doesn't want to involve you - THAT'S an issue. But him wanting to go out for drinks with friends really shouldn't be an issue.
    TarponMonoxide
  • edited November 2015
    Hello, 
    My SO and I have been together for over a year, we live together and I am 6 weeks pregnant. My issue is: He was just in a play that he directed and starred in, which took up almost all of his free time, and Between work and the play we have barely had any quality time together. The play was "Rocky Horror" so for those of you who have seen the movie, its quite scandalous. This is his third year doing the show and he play's Brad, one of the lead characters. I saw the show last year and it didn't bother me so much, but this year I my stomach turned at some of the scenes he was in and who he was doing them with. I know it's immature for me to get jealous but it really bothered me. Up until the week before the show, he was so busy that I hardly saw him at night, which made us fight more because I felt very disconnected from him, and then going to his show and having to see his performance with this one beautiful girl all over him, made me feel even more insecure. He promised me that once the show was over things would go back to normal, but then I saw on Facebook that this girl who starred with him in the show is trying to get everyone together next week for a reunion, and he wrote back that he was "definitely in". Am I wrong to get upset by this? I feel there is no reason for him to hang out with these girls now that the show is over. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but I feel that we should be focusing on planning for our new baby, and not getting together with guys & girls over drinks that I do not know, and therefore I do not trust. Feeling pretty embarrassed by these feelings, and I cannot believe that I'm jealous of a play, wishing he would put more effort into wanting to spend time with me. 
    So far this looks pretty innocuous.

    And anybody who does theatre will tell you that you need not be "hot" for the person you are doing the scene with. All of this is acting. Count on it.

    Hasn't your SO introduced you to any of the players/actors/cast, any of the stage crew, any of the personnel involved in the show??? I'm surprised--- he cannot go off and leave you on a shelf.  He's in the wrong as far as that goes.

    (Cast parties can get boring; when you've gone to one of them, you've gone to 'em all...I do theatre myself and that's how it is. Lots of times you want to beg off and skip the whole thing --- you make a cameo appearance for the cast's sake)

    I remember when the RHPS was released as a movie --- wow, was that a big thing. There was this one movie  theatre that used to do a midnight showing, every Friday, for about 4 years --- "Sorry NO CANDLES" was the big disclaimer that ran with the ad for the movie.
  • Again, let me remind you, that I am not one of those needy girlfriends. I am very independent, but lately my hormones are out of control. I appreciate everyones feedback!
  • Fun celebrity tidbit.  When Fred Astaire started acting in movies, he promised his wife he would never kiss an actress on-screen.  He never did, but you would never guess it because there is a lot of "implied kissing" in his scenes.  Like, he'll go in for a kiss, but the curtain falls or their faces are hidden by an object.

    I agree with the other PPs.  Everything you've described sounds perfectly innocent.  But I think you should tell your SO how you've been feeling.  Not in a complaining way, but more in a "can you ramp up the reassurances and love while I'm hormonal/be understanding if I have a crazy moment" way.

  • doclagodoclago
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited November 2015
    >>My SO and I have been together for over a year, we live together and I am 6 weeks pregnant. <<<

    I am pretty conservative when it comes to these types of things so I apologize if what I say here is offensive to some.
    I wonder if he plans on marrying you.  You live together with no commitment (ie engagement and marriage).  As an outsider looking in and someone who has done a lot of theater, his behavior is that of a single man...which he will be until he commits to you... you haven't been together very long and since you don't spend much time together I can only assume he doesn't know you all that well. He is free to do what he wants until he commits to you and the baby.  It's sad but true...men, for the most part,  move in with women to have their cake and eat it too...
  • doclago said:
    >>My SO and I have been together for over a year, we live together and I am 6 weeks pregnant. <<<

    I am pretty conservative when it comes to these types of things so I apologize if what I say here is offensive to some.
    I wonder if he plans on marrying you.  You live together with no commitment (ie engagement and marriage).  As an outsider looking in and someone who has done a lot of theater, his behavior is that of a single man...which he will be until he commits to you... you haven't been together very long and since you don't spend much time together I can only assume he doesn't know you all that well. He is free to do what he wants until he commits to you and the baby.  It's sad but true...men, for the most part,  move in with women to have their cake and eat it too...

    I respectfully disagree with most of what you said.  To me, his behavior is that of a friendly and outgoing person.  I think I also picked up that she is invited to go to the reunion also.  And he isn't free to do what he wants.  They are in a committed relationship.  Granted, it is not the huge commitment that marriage is, but it is still an important commitment.

    And the bolded is a huge and negative generalization of an entire gender.  Just like most women wouldn't like the generalization of "you know women, they're all clingy and just want to get married and have babies", it's not fair to do to men either.  Speaking of, you are assuming that he is the one who doesn't want to get married or that they haven't talked about it.  Maybe neither one feels ready to get married.  Maybe he's proposed multiple times and she is the one not ready. 

    GilliC
  • Well, I guess we'll see..  love, marriage, children ...is generally the order......if he really wanted this woman as an equal partner they'd be married.... but we can disagree in opinion.... but I am confident in my opinion.... 

    If I were pregnant with some guy's kid and he was out with other people half the time I'd be friggin pissed.....I would expect a loving husband type to be with me, not looking for excuses to be away,...  Especially the first trimester, when you are most uncomfortable and adjusting....The fact that she had to even ask is a bad sign,..... go with your gut! 
  • doclago said:

    Well, I guess we'll see..  love, marriage, children ...is generally the order......if he really wanted this woman as an equal partner they'd be married.... but we can disagree in opinion.... but I am confident in my opinion.... 


    If I were pregnant with some guy's kid and he was out with other people half the time I'd be friggin pissed.....I would expect a loving husband type to be with me, not looking for excuses to be away,...  Especially the first trimester, when you are most uncomfortable and adjusting....The fact that she had to even ask is a bad sign,..... go with your gut! 
    Really disagree. When I become pregnant I'll still go out to see my friends and I expect H will do the same. Often we'll go together. As long as nobody is cheating or driving drunk, or spending irresponsibly, and I'm not actively in distress, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Healthy friendships are good for a balanced relationship.
    short+sassy
  • doclago said:
    >>My SO and I have been together for over a year, we live together and I am 6 weeks pregnant. <<<

    I am pretty conservative when it comes to these types of things so I apologize if what I say here is offensive to some.
    I wonder if he plans on marrying you.  You live together with no commitment (ie engagement and marriage).  As an outsider looking in and someone who has done a lot of theater, his behavior is that of a single man...which he will be until he commits to you... you haven't been together very long and since you don't spend much time together I can only assume he doesn't know you all that well. He is free to do what he wants until he commits to you and the baby.  It's sad but true...men, for the most part,  move in with women to have their cake and eat it too...
    It puts a whole different spin on things.

    You have a great deal less leverage if you are not married at least a few years and then start your family.

    Suppose the 2 of you split up while you are unmarried and the kiddo is in the picture? He could take off and that could be gthe end of him --- never to be heard of again and now you have yourself and a child to support. Plus you don't know where he is; forget about child support from the father.

    Suppose you break up and each of you goes your own way -- still unmarried --- and you can't get him to cough up child support, nor does he come see the child?

    All of this could happen if you were married to him but the fact that you are unmarried and there's a kiddo on the way makes thins all the more rougher and different -- it 's adding stress and strain to the relationship.


  • doclago said:
    >>My SO and I have been together for over a year, we live together and I am 6 weeks pregnant. <<<

    I am pretty conservative when it comes to these types of things so I apologize if what I say here is offensive to some.
    I wonder if he plans on marrying you.  You live together with no commitment (ie engagement and marriage).  As an outsider looking in and someone who has done a lot of theater, his behavior is that of a single man...which he will be until he commits to you... you haven't been together very long and since you don't spend much time together I can only assume he doesn't know you all that well. He is free to do what he wants until he commits to you and the baby.  It's sad but true...men, for the most part,  move in with women to have their cake and eat it too...
    It puts a whole different spin on things.

    You have a great deal less leverage if you are not married at least a few years and then start your family.

    Suppose the 2 of you split up while you are unmarried and the kiddo is in the picture? He could take off and that could be gthe end of him --- never to be heard of again and now you have yourself and a child to support. Plus you don't know where he is; forget about child support from the father.

    Suppose you break up and each of you goes your own way -- still unmarried --- and you can't get him to cough up child support, nor does he come see the child?

    All of this could happen if you were married to him but the fact that you are unmarried and there's a kiddo on the way makes thins all the more rougher and different -- it 's adding stress and strain to the relationship.


    Child support and parenting laws are exactly the same - married or unmarried.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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