Married Life
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Showing my emotions

I have been married nearly two months. My husband and I have a great relationship but lately I have been wanting to touch base on a few issues. I feel like once you are married it is uncharted territory with sex, money, and how to spend quality time together. I am usually the strong and silent type (at our wedding my hubby cried and I was the stoic one) and I need help on how to open up. I am an effective communicator once the conversation is started I just don't know how to get it going. How can I open up about my feelings without seeming totally ridiculous? How do other people start conversations within their marriage?

Re: Showing my emotions

  • You are married.  Bring up difficult discussions shouldn't be uncharted territory.  Having a discussion shouldn't be awkward with your husband.  You should be able to just bring it up without worrying if it felt ridiculous.  So just say "We need to talk about something.  Is now a good time to talk?"
  • You don't have a great relationship if you can't talk to him. Sex, money, spending time together isn't "unchartered territory" just becuase you're now married. How long were you together before you got married?
  • Yeah, you probably should have been talking about these things during dating/engagement. DH and I didn't live together, sleep together, or share money before the wedding, but we'd already talked about how we wanted to pay off debt, how we wanted to budget, how often we'd like to get busy, and how we wanted to prioritize our time. 

    Since you're already married, you're a little behind, but that doesn't mean you can't start now. Tell your DH that you want to improve your communication with each other and love each other better. Say that you don't really feel comfortable talking about big stuff or sharing but that you know it's important and vital to your marriage that you are able to talk about everything. If you need a framework, maybe buy the book, "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" which gives tons of topics for conversation and specific questions. Start working through the questions together when you're on a trip in the car or maybe every Saturday morning.

    Money, sex, and quality time are not one-time conversations. DH and I regularly ask each other, "how do you feel about our sex life, do you have anything you'd like to try or something you've really liked?" or "have i loved you well today? how can I love you better?" It gives a really nice opening for sharing without criticizing. DH's love language is words of affirmation and I find it really hard to remember to continually compliment him and tell him why I love him. So it's good for me to check in with him and know if I need to be more intentional with my words or if he is feeling the love already. This has got to be an open line of communication, not just a checklist of things to talk about once and be done with.

    Finally, as for not feeling ridiculous... this is your life partner. You're going to do ridiculous and embarrassing things in front of each other for your entire life. If you can't be honest about your faults, fears, and weird things with this one person, then your life is going to need a lot of smoke and mirrors. Ten years from now, your marriage will only be strong and healthy if you two can find a way to communicate in a healthy and regular way about all the big issues and small ones too. So who cares if you feel a little ridiculous saying, "let's talk about sex and feelings!"?
  • happily85 said:

    I have been married nearly two months. My husband and I have a great relationship but lately I have been wanting to touch base on a few issues. I feel like once you are married it is uncharted territory with sex, money, and how to spend quality time together. I am usually the strong and silent type (at our wedding my hubby cried and I was the stoic one) and I need help on how to open up. I am an effective communicator once the conversation is started I just don't know how to get it going. How can I open up about my feelings without seeming totally ridiculous? How do other people start conversations within their marriage?

    Sex, money and quality time are 3 issues the 2 of you should have discussed together and at length when it was pretty clear that your relationship was heading toward marriage.

    This is NOT "unchartered territory."

    Other topics that should have been discussed before you got married: topic of kids, religion, how you and your H would handle an IL or family member problem, a 5 year and 10 year plan for the both of you (and possibly your kids) --- if companies have 5 and 10 year plans, so should couples --- and how you and he will spend the holidays and where and with who.

    Having trouble communicating?

    Discuss this with a therapist and a marriage counselor. You guys can use a tuneup for your marriage post haste.
  • It probably is "unchartered" territory. After all, unless they spelled it out in their prenup, they probably don't have a charter that outlines it.

    Uncharted territory it is not.

    image
  • groovylocksgroovylocks
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments
    member
    edited November 2015
    This is very concerning. 

    These are discussions that should have been had before you said I do. 

    I don't understand what you  mean by "I can't start conversations"

    If you have a problem with his spending, for example, say he's spending too much money pimping his ride, then you just say it. It's not an art form. "We need to have a discussion on the amount of money you're spending on the car. Do you have a minute? Let's talk about this."

    I'm also not sure what you mean by "I feel like once you are married, topics that are specifically the flagstones of married life are now taboo to discuss" - that's like saying "I feel like once you have kids, you probably shouldn't talk about their education, their behaviour or their health care." Why on earth would you ever have such a conviction? These topics are the main things couples fight AND bond over. 

    Seriously, this is so worrying. You sound like you're describing a stranger or, at best, an employee you don't know how to approach. You both deserve more.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards