Family Matters
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Jealous sister... jealous brother in law!!!

I am assuming this is jealousy because that is what others call it but whatever it is, it hurt so much.  I am going to give the cliffnotes version here but basically i had a really long and tough time in my life fully of big downs and very few ups no matter how hard I worked or retained a positive outlook that things would get better.  Eventually they did!  The economy picked up, I landed an awesome job closer to family and within a few months met the man of my dreams and 2 years later happily married!  My sister has been though some hard times too.  During those times I was always there for her even though she always put on a mask that "everything is fine" and blaming bad choices on everyone else but her own bad choices. Even going as far as blaming our own mother even though our mother was always a rock of support and helped my sister through some really tough times.  She even once said that "There is no such thing as family, just people you know" !!!  After moving back to my home state, landing an awesome job and meeting the man of my dreams, my sister seemed less than enthused that I became engaged.  My now husbands sister in law wanted to give me a wedding shower with my sister but my sister told her that she wanted to save the money and instead give a nice gift.  (I did not ask for gifts at my wedding and instead asked for donations to my favorite charity.)  She was the ONLY one who did not give to the charity;  I did not even get a card from her!  To make matters worse, my husbands brother in law said he was jealous of me because he felt like he had gone through a divorce because my husband was spending more time with me!!!  During out dating and then engagement he would text every day things that you would expect from an ex - girlfriend.  Things like I miss you, I love you.  Any kind act I made to his family was met with an insult. He went as far as sending me and my husband horrible text messages calling me 'the dark side" because I stopped seeing them socially due to their (his and his wife's) treatment of me.   They quite obviously had this idea that they could say what ever they wanted to me because i married into their family and had to put up with it.  i did not put up with it.  I never said anything mean, or took their bate to fight with them, but instead removed myself from their life.  Thank God for my aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides.  They mean more to me then they probably know.  (I do not talk at all about the behavior of those i just mentioned as i do not want to tarnish the precious relationship I have with such negativity)  Even though a family therapist once mentioned that walking away was the best thing in this situation, I sometimes wonder, no, I grasp at the idea that things might get better if I still included these people in my life.  Or perhaps I am just wish making. I doubt if anyone has experienced such a situation, but in case someone out there has, what advice can you offer.  

Re: Jealous sister... jealous brother in law!!!

  • acierno1 said:
    I am assuming this is jealousy because that is what others call it but whatever it is, it hurt so much.  I am going to give the cliffnotes version here but basically i had a really long and tough time in my life fully of big downs and very few ups no matter how hard I worked or retained a positive outlook that things would get better.  Eventually they did!  The economy picked up, I landed an awesome job closer to family and within a few months met the man of my dreams and 2 years later happily married!  My sister has been though some hard times too.  During those times I was always there for her even though she always put on a mask that "everything is fine" and blaming bad choices on everyone else but her own bad choices. Even going as far as blaming our own mother even though our mother was always a rock of support and helped my sister through some really tough times.  She even once said that "There is no such thing as family, just people you know" !!!  After moving back to my home state, landing an awesome job and meeting the man of my dreams, my sister seemed less than enthused that I became engaged.  My now husbands sister in law wanted to give me a wedding shower with my sister but my sister told her that she wanted to save the money and instead give a nice gift.  (I did not ask for gifts at my wedding and instead asked for donations to my favorite charity.)  She was the ONLY one who did not give to the charity;  I did not even get a card from her!  To make matters worse, my husbands brother in law said he was jealous of me because he felt like he had gone through a divorce because my husband was spending more time with me!!!  During out dating and then engagement he would text every day things that you would expect from an ex - girlfriend.  Things like I miss you, I love you.  Any kind act I made to his family was met with an insult. He went as far as sending me and my husband horrible text messages calling me 'the dark side" because I stopped seeing them socially due to their (his and his wife's) treatment of me.   They quite obviously had this idea that they could say what ever they wanted to me because i married into their family and had to put up with it.  i did not put up with it.  I never said anything mean, or took their bate to fight with them, but instead removed myself from their life.  Thank God for my aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides.  They mean more to me then they probably know.  (I do not talk at all about the behavior of those i just mentioned as i do not want to tarnish the precious relationship I have with such negativity)  Even though a family therapist once mentioned that walking away was the best thing in this situation, I sometimes wonder, no, I grasp at the idea that things might get better if I still included these people in my life.  Or perhaps I am just wish making. I doubt if anyone has experienced such a situation, but in case someone out there has, what advice can you offer.  
    Your sis is just upset you are at a different stage of your life...

    And where the heck is your H in all of this --- his brother call you "the dark side" and made your your H knew that you were not liked??? Uh, you have a little bit of an H problem here, not a BIL problem.... your H should have spoken up and nipped this silly mess in the bud the second Mr. Lonesomehearts started to target you.

    Have a real bone to pick with your H about that -- and I will bet you that the BIL still is like this, and your H never stood up and told BIL to stick it. RIGHT?

    Your wife comes first, not your brother. And certainly not your brother's insults and other crosstalk about your wife.

    You can stand up for your rights, too: tell  your sis to stop being silly and like she's in 7th grade...and you can tell your BIL to stuff it if he shows you any disdain or gives you any lip.

    What else to do about these silly 2 little people?

    Distance from them -- that would mean you and your "H"...but if it isn't going to be the 2 of you united on this, it won't make any sense at all.
    NoneForUs
  • My husband never said anything either as he did not want to add fuel to the fire or make things worse he said.  I did 'pick that bone' with him about how his peace making passive attitude was basically giving everyone the 'ok' that it was acceptable to treat me that way.  The darkside comment i think was the last straw for him and he did distance himself from his sister and brother in law.  The holidays are upon us and it will be filled with holiday dinners at a friends house who has become almost like family and my uncle who asked that we join them too.  We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and other family members but the situation overall is so sad.  

  • acierno1 said:
    My husband never said anything either as he did not want to add fuel to the fire or make things worse he said.  


    Nope....he is too chickenstuff to say a word.

    You are supposed to come first, m'dear -- and anybody who comes between you and your spouse needs a nice come-to-the-woodshed talk and no holds barred.

    He cannot let anyone insult you or run slipshod over you.

    Don't stand for this.

    The problem will escalate and he needs to grow a pair.


    I did 'pick that bone' with him about how his peace making passive attitude was basically giving everyone the 'ok' that it was acceptable to treat me that way.


    So that means you get to hear this for an indefinite period of time?

    You should be furious at him.

    Don't stand for this.

    The brother is a silly little fartstain and so is your sis.  These 2 people need to grow up and you need to stand up for yourself as well...

    And your H needs to man up.


     The darkside comment i think was the last straw for him and he did distance himself from his sister and brother in law.  

    Big deal.

    The holidays are upon us and it will be filled with holiday dinners at a friends house who has become almost like family and my uncle who asked that we join them too.  We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and other family members but the situation overall is so sad.

    Somebody better start getting their act together and that is starting with your H.

  • Let me rephrase this. Does anyone who is playing with a full deck and who has E.I. have any experience with this issue or experience with a similar situation.
  • acierno1 said:
    Let me rephrase this. Does anyone who is playing with a full deck and who has E.I. have any experience with this issue or experience with a similar situation.
    Does anybody with experience in standing up for themselves have any experience with this issue???

    Sheesh.....this is all a matter of perspective. You don't have an H who will stand up for you and you won't DIY and tell these 2 to take a jump in a lake.

    Sorry, but until both you and he take measures, this will be an ongoing problem. Don't be a patsy for anyone.
  • NoneForUsNoneForUs
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2015
    @acierno1 I can appreciate being put off by @TarponMonoxide's style of giving advice. It is very harsh but at the same time, most of the time she is right even when she doesn't express it in the most diplomatic way. Just because @TarponMonoxide said some things that you didn't like, it doesn't mean that she is not playing with a full deck or she lacks emotional intelligence. 

    I completely understand why your husband is being passive; he is between a rock and a hard place. He knows that you come first but he also doesn't want to piss off his family of origin. Some people just have a more passive way of handling problems. I'm glad that he cut off his siblings. He will need to set boundaries and get firm with them if they start being ridiculous again. 

    My husband had to stand up to his mother because she was making rude comments about me. She threw a tantrum but my husband wasn't phased by that at all. He realized that his mother's reaction said more about her than us. Since we were subjected to rudeness and awful emotional scenes both times that we visited my husband's family, we have not visited for over two years and that's easy because they live far way. His brother likes to scream and swear at his wife and his mother in front of us. I have stood up to my mother when she has been too nosy and disrespectful. We both know that talking to my mother about her behavior is like talking to a wall, so we stopped trying to have a mature discussion with her and talked to my father instead. Now my mom doesn't call us or get angry when I don't reach out to her. 

    Sorry that you're going through this. *hug*
  • His place is with his wife, not anybody else: "forsaking all others" --- you never let anything come between your spouse and you.

    I suggest counseling. For him and for you --- family does have a funny way of getting under your skin and a counselor can show him how to more or less excise what is under his skin. He's gotta stand up for you and be one with you. No exception to the rule.

    And it has to be done now. You are facing a lifetime of this kind of thing and eventually you will grow to resent him deeply.

    Tell him this has to be fixed and how -- and if he refuses counseling, rethink him. You did not marry to get a  laissez faire spouse.
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