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Wedding fever, is this normal?

In the next three months, we have three weddings to go to. It seems like I have hit that age where everyone is getting engaged, married or having a baby... While I am trying to buy a house with my boyfriend and enjoying our lives together with our little peanut (Eleanor, our boston terrier puppy). We have been dating for a year and a half, we had a thing for each other a few years before we got together but we drifted apart. He is 28 and I am 23. I have never wanted to spend my life with anyone more than I do with him. 

With all of these weddings and seeing people getting engaged, I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn. We have talked about it before and are on the same page (marriage in our future), I have looked at rings and mentioned things that I like. His mom and I are close and she has told me that he wants to get me something (engagement ring) that is special. 

Over the weekend, my mom and I were looking at some of her old jewelry and we found some of her rings that my dad had given her (her first wedding ring and the upgrades). She told me that she wouldn't mind if John (my BF) and I wanted to make a ring out of her rings and my grandfathers ring. But how do I tell him this without freaking him out? 

I know that my wedding fever is just going to be fueled more when we actually attend them (he is a groomsman in one). I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do? Is this normal to feel this way? I just don't want to pressure him in any way... I just love him so much. I know that getting engaged/married is not the start of our lives together, we live together now, have a puppy that is our fur baby and are looking for a house to purchase together. 

Re: Wedding fever, is this normal?

  • I wouldn't be buying a house with someone when I didn't even know whether he planned to ask me to marry him or not. It's all well and good his mom saying he wants to get you something special and y'all assuming it's a ring but what if it's not.
    dutchgirl76
  • A lot of women feel how you feel. Although, I married and divorced I never felt that I had to get married.

    Personally, I wouldn't live with a man unless we married only because they say it increases your chance of a future divorce. It doesn't make sense to me. I read it in a couple of magazines or online.
  • I wouldn't be buying a house with someone when I didn't even know whether he planned to ask me to marry him or not. It's all well and good his mom saying he wants to get you something special and y'all assuming it's a ring but what if it's not.
    Exactly this.  Please don't buy a house unless you are positive you are getting married.  Buying a house together locks you together with this person like marriage does, so you shouldn't make that type of commitment until you know you can and will be married.  I have seen this end in pure disaster for more than one person.

    It's so easy to get on the roller coaster when everyone around you is getting married, but this is a terrible reason for wanting to get married.  Again, I've seen people end up getting engaged/married because they ended up on the ride with everyone else, and it ended in disaster.  

    Take your time and make the decision to get married with your boyfriend and for the right reasons.  In the meantime, hold off on making any other type of commitment until you are sure both of you are ready for the ultimate commitment. 
  • VORVOR
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    Yeah- don't buy a house w/o KNOWING you all really will get married.  I was w/ DH for 11 years before we got married.  I basically knew we'd get married.  But even so- we didn't buy a house until AFTER we were engaged. 

    Enjoy being together.  Don't get caught up in "but everyone else is doing it!!".  That's so not a reason to get married!!!  I've seen people do it and you know what?  They end up divorced. 

    It's hard.  I get it.  Like I said, I was with DH a long time before we got married.  It's hard to see people getting married when you want to also. BUT you've got to let it happen w/ you and your BF when ( and if) it works for the two of you.  No one else.
  • I know a lot of friends who feel like they can't have a conversation with their boyfriends about the future and timelines for it because they feel like they will be seen as pushy and clingy. And maybe they even feel that asking will strain the relationship. 

    But in a relationship that you're wanting to turn into a marriage, you need to figure out how to have these kinds of conversations. Honesty with tact and sensitivity is the best way to do this. Tell your bf how the weddings have been making you feel. Assure him that you're not looking to walk down the aisle and pop out a baby tomorrow, but that you'd like to get an idea of the timeline he feels comfortable with. Does he have an amount of time he wants to date before engagement? Is he aware of how long it takes to plan a wedding (many men, I have found, do not realize how long modern engagements are)? Ask him how he's feeling about the timeline for your relationship and then be quiet.

    As for the ring situation, if it doesn't come up again with him asking you about rings, consider which friend of yours he might go to for ring advice and make sure they are aware of the option of using your family rings. I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing ring ideas with your bf, but only AFTER you know you are on the same page. If he says he really wants to be dating for 3 years before popping the question (and you are okay with that), then continuing to show him ring ideas this far before that point would probably be a no-no.
    GilliCMMintzer91
  • I'm on the same page with the others on the home buying. In regards to the ring, I think that is something that your mom should bring up to him probably in private. She should tell him it's no pressure but when the time comes if he is interested, he could have whatever rings she determines to be used as your engagement ring or for the stones to be taken and used for a custom ring for you. Having a ring (or the stones) from your mother that was given to her by your father, maybe the something that could help make a "special" ring for you.
    short+sassy
  • edited October 2015
    In the next three months, we have three weddings to go to. It seems like I have hit that age where everyone is getting engaged, married or having a baby... While I am trying to buy a house with my boyfriend and enjoying our lives together with our little peanut (Eleanor, our boston terrier puppy). We have been dating for a year and a half, we had a thing for each other a few years before we got together but we drifted apart. He is 28 and I am 23. I have never wanted to spend my life with anyone more than I do with him. 

    With all of these weddings and seeing people getting engaged, I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn. We have talked about it before and are on the same page (marriage in our future), I have looked at rings and mentioned things that I like. His mom and I are close and she has told me that he wants to get me something (engagement ring) that is special. 

    Over the weekend, my mom and I were looking at some of her old jewelry and we found some of her rings that my dad had given her (her first wedding ring and the upgrades). She told me that she wouldn't mind if John (my BF) and I wanted to make a ring out of her rings and my grandfathers ring. But how do I tell him this without freaking him out? 

    I know that my wedding fever is just going to be fueled more when we actually attend them (he is a groomsman in one). I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do? Is this normal to feel this way? I just don't want to pressure him in any way... I just love him so much. I know that getting engaged/married is not the start of our lives together, we live together now, have a puppy that is our fur baby and are looking for a house to purchase together. 
    I am horrifically old fashioned and I am from the school that says "a ring should come from the guy; it should not be a ring that is part of YOUR family."

    That ring and its diamonds are going to be part of your inheritance. A ring is often handed down from a mother to a daughter (as it was in my family; that ring is breathtaking and no way did I use it when I got engaged; he purchased the ring)

    If the ring was from his grandmother or his mother -- and he wants to give it to you --- that's another story: he'd feel free to give it....

    Plus I believe you are jumping the gun and moving way too fast.

    I agree with the other poster who said Don't buy a home with somebody who is not your spouse.

    Reason being that if the 2 of you break up if you are both not yet married to each other and the deed is in both your names it can turn into quite the legal mess.

    You would have to have the home partitioned off: he buys you out for your half, you buy him out for his or you sell the home and the both of you split the proceeds.

    If you eventually married and the 2 of you own a home together, you would definitely need a prenup. Reason being you need to decide before you are married how the house would be attended to if you got divorced. 

    The only way to find out if marriage is imminent:

    Sit down with your BF and have a talk.

    This is a year and a half down the line and I think you are too young to marry --- you're only 23 and this apparently is the first serious boyfriend you have.

    I would wait at least another year and then talk to him...and if he cannot and will not set a date there and then, you need to decide what direction you wish to go into.

    In the interim:

    DO NOT buy a home with him or make an important purchase with him.  You need to see where you stand before you can do any of that.
  • I already touched on the house thing on your other thread, but I can speak to the ring issue. When we were dating, wedding talk just kind of came up naturally about 3 years in. About 4 years in, I was getting a bit frustrated and just calmly asked what his timeline was. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and that it was going to happen. I also shared my preferred timeline with him, not in a mean, naggy way but just in calm conversation.

    In one of these conversations, I mentioned that I have a beautiful family ring I wanted to use as my engagement ring. H, unfortunately, wasn't ok with that. It was important to him to buy a ring himself. I love the ring he chose, so it all worked out. My point is, you just need to have awkward conversations with your partner sometimes. It will come up again with kids, parenting, getting older, etc.
    short+sassy
  • It's a huge red flag to me that you're having trouble talking to him about this. The most important factor in a marriage is communication.

    If you're uncomfortable talking about marriage and engagement rings, how on earth are you going to tell him that you want to try to conceive? Or that you think he should put more into retirement savings? Or that you really want him to support you financially while you quit your job and start a llama farm? Or that the little annoying habit you used to think was cute and quirky has started to irritate you more now that you've lived together for five years?

    Honestly, my XH and I had a pile of communication issues that led to the eventual end of our marriage, but deciding to get married, and discussing engagement rings* wasn't a problem at all. We wanted to make sure we were on the same page about these things up front.

    *We were about to combine our finances as a married couple, so of course I had some strong opinions about how much he (we) should(n't) be paying for a piece of jewelry.
    image
  • short+sassyshort+sassy
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited October 2015

    My H and I were together for 13 years before we got engaged.  Quite frankly, there were a few times I seriously considered ending things because of the no proposal.  We very occasionally talked about it...usually me bringing it up...and it was never a "no", it was a "yeah, I do want to marry you someday," and more years would pass, lol.  I resigned myself to the fact that it may never happen and made my peace with that.  It's a much longer story than that, but not needed for this discussion.

    At any rate, 18 months is really not that crazy long to be dating someone and I suggest a bit of patience.  People come to those kind of life decisions at different paces and he may just not quite be there yet.  You mentioned the subject has been brought up before.  The next time it is...mention your mom's offer.

    One day, my H told me he wanted to go engagement ring shopping.  You could have knocked me over with a feather, lol.  So we went shopping, but more for ideas.  I mentioned it to my mom and she offered her wedding ring set from my dad (she is widowed).  I thought about it first and decided that, if H was cool with it, I would like my mom's set.  Then I had a discussion with him about it and we decided to go that route.  However, she lives super far from us, so he still bought a CZ ring to propose to me with.  I wore that engagement ring right up until our wedding.  I wear my wedding set now, but I still love that "costume" jewelry engagement ring and often wear it on my right hand.

    I think a perfect opportunity to bring up the marriage timeline is because you all want to buy a house.  Everyone on this board and everyone on the MM board all recommended you wait until you are married before buying a house together.

    In fact, I bought a house 4 years ago, before I married my H.  We had been living together for 11 years at that point.  I flat out told him I was ready to buy a house but didn't want to buy one with him until we were married, so I was just going to buy it myself.  And that was exactly what I did.  Down payment was all mine, qualified all by myself, and paid all the mortgage payments with my money...though he did pay me rent and for half the bills before we got married.  And I could have made the mortgage payments myself without his help if something crazy had happened and we had broken up.

    VOR
  • Someone in my circles got married. The guy was an alcoholic. She had the marriage annulled. She got engaged. The guy left her. I saw two more boyfriends come and go. They both had problems expressing love. She moved in with a really nice guy...before he even dropped the L word. Moving forward before the relationship is ready will cause it to fail.

    I told my husband while we were dating: I do want to get married. I do want kids. I do want this life. I do want to have this life with you. I was able to talk to him about it. 

    Work on talking to him about marriage, wedding rings, ideas for the future. If it scares him away, then he isn't ready and you can move on without wasting your time.  This stuff is scary. So is talking about each other families when they meddle, friends, etc. You have to do it and not shy away from it. You have to learn to develop a united front.

    Best of luck on your journey!
  • In the next three months, we have three weddings to go to. It seems like I have hit that age where everyone is getting engaged, married or having a baby... While I am trying to buy a house with my boyfriend and enjoying our lives together with our little peanut (Eleanor, our boston terrier puppy). We have been dating for a year and a half, we had a thing for each other a few years before we got together but we drifted apart. He is 28 and I am 23. I have never wanted to spend my life with anyone more than I do with him. 

    With all of these weddings and seeing people getting engaged, I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn. We have talked about it before and are on the same page (marriage in our future), I have looked at rings and mentioned things that I like. His mom and I are close and she has told me that he wants to get me something (engagement ring) that is special. 

    Over the weekend, my mom and I were looking at some of her old jewelry and we found some of her rings that my dad had given her (her first wedding ring and the upgrades). She told me that she wouldn't mind if John (my BF) and I wanted to make a ring out of her rings and my grandfathers ring. But how do I tell him this without freaking him out? 

    I know that my wedding fever is just going to be fueled more when we actually attend them (he is a groomsman in one). I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do? Is this normal to feel this way? I just don't want to pressure him in any way... I just love him so much. I know that getting engaged/married is not the start of our lives together, we live together now, have a puppy that is our fur baby and are looking for a house to purchase together. 
     
    Okay - first let me start by saying there is  no criticism or judgment coming from me in this post, at all. I know everyone is different and people may know sooner than others what they want and who they wish to spend their lives with. That's great. I would caution against the wedding fever though - big time. You're still young! Looking back now, there is no way I could been getting married at 23. I was with the wrong person and unhappy and unsure of the direction my life was headed.
     
    That being said, there is no rush to altar. People will continue to be getting engaged and married, planning weddings, and having babies for the next several years! Just because it SEEMS like "everyone" is doing it, does not mean that everyone is doing it. My H and I are the couple that most recently got married and everyone keeps asking us when we plan to start a family. My short but curt answer usually is: "when we are good and ready". Honestly, what I mean is after we've had time to enjoy being newlyweds and do some things together - get ourselves financially stable. Enjoy our new home, etc, etc. After all, its OUR lives and our marriage, our family and ultimately our decision. No one else has a say.
     
    I would encourage you to adopt the same attitude for yourself. Take your time!  Entering into a engagement and marriage is a HUGE, LIFELONG commitment. Would you want to look back and wonder that you pressured you BF into proposing because you were impatient?  The truth is, if he's serious about you and spending his life with you - then there is probably a very good reason why it hasn't happened yet. Either money or planning the proposal, or school or whatever the circumstances may be in your situation. Trust him (after all you want to spend your life with him, right)? Trust that things will work out and don't put the additional pressure of talking about rings and your family rings to him - that's only adding pressure and stress to what is already a stressful thing in his mind. (after all, he's only going to propose once, right?).  Stay positive, have faith, and don't rush things! If it's meant to be, then you have forever.  Hope this helps. Best of luck with everything.

  • You shouldn't be buying a house with this guy if you are not engaged and planning to be married. 
    You haven't been together long enough for you to know if you want to marry him and you are, quite frankly, too young to be married. Successful marriage stats of people under 28 are poor. 
    At 23 we are just learning who we are, what we like, and how to function as an adult, independent of our parents. 
    If you move in with this guy without being married, you are letting him take advantage of you in so my ways and I am shocked your Mother isn't talking to you about this. 
    You are excited because you have a long term BF but talk is cheap...
     
    On of my best girlfriends did this when we were in our 20s. They looked and looked for a long time.When they finally found a house they liked, he dumped her....not an uncommon story and a potential nightmare. It's not something Mommy and Daddy can rescue you from. 
  • Be careful with purchasing a house so young. Yes, right now you feel like you're an adult, you probably have a college degree and professional job so you should buy a house, but you have a LOT of time ahead of you trust me. Renting can be a pain but it's not permanent. Think about these drawbacks to home ownership at any age:

    • Once you own the house, you're stuck with it. What happens if you get a new job in 2 years, will you have to commute? You won't be able to move closer because you'll have your house. Are there job opportunities in the area you want to live? Is your job steady so you don't have a mortgage and no pay check?
    • You want to be 100% happy with that area as again you'll be stuck there for at least 5 or 10 years and at that point you have to hope the market's good so you can sell and make back your money if not a profit. Are you close to your family? Will the area you buy your house in be close enough or far enough away from them? 
    • If you own a house with someone else and it doesn't work out in the relationship, you still own the house with that person and then you owe the missing mortgage plus your credit takes a huge hit. Plus it's a risk in case that person doesn't hold up their end financially. It's the same as a roommate, only again more permanent.
    • You're responsible for all the repairs on the home. There's no landlord to take care of a broken toilet or water heater. Your bills go up as you're responsible for electric, heat, gas etc. 
    • Chances are at 23 your credit won't be as good as it can be since you're young and don't have a history yet. No or bad credit can greatly effect the rate you pay on your mortgage which means more money in the long run.

    Believe me I had the same wedding fever early on as I met my H at 23, looking back I can't tell you how happy I am that I waited. I feel like getting married at 28 was even young, 30+ probably would have been better but it's all worked out. Honestly give it time. You want the big wedding party, not the actual marriage. Take a breather and enjoy your youth. I hope things work out with this guy, but don't be upset if it doesn't, your early and mid- 20's should be focused on schooling, building a career, dating and just being free you have plenty of time to be tied down.
  • I'm going to disagree with everyone who says you are too young.  I think everyone is different.  Some people are too young at 23 for marriage and a house, some aren't.  What concerns me is how young you are combined with the short period of time you've been dating.  You're sounding impulsive, which doesn't show maturity.
    short+sassydoclago
  • Be careful with the home purchasing process too. If this gentleman is looking to purchase a home don't move in if you're name's not on the mortgage. I can't ever imagine buying a home with someone I wasn't married too, never mind engaged but that's up to you. Just don't move in if it's technically "his house", he can always hold that over you.
    doclago
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