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I'm 13 years older than he is . . . .

I'm 38, amicably divorcing, a mother to a 6-year-old daughter, and in a new relationship with a 26 year old.  I've known him for a couple years now, and feel pretty secure in our relationship.

The issue is our age difference.  

For one, we recognize that time is not on our side when it comes to my fertility.  We both want children, and plan to move in together next summer/fall.  I'm not really interested in getting re-married, but he is adamant that if we chose to have children together we will be married.  Our current plan (if all goes well) is to try for baby starting next summer.

The biggest stumbling block I feel we are running into right now is his perception of things.  He is an old-soul, but still, he see's things with a very young perspective at times.  He can be impatient, see's things as more black/white than I do, etc.  I find myself being frustrated when we are discussing certain issues, particularly when he is so vehement that his way is the ONLY way, etc.  He doesn't yell, but OMG the man can lecture!  

Is there anyone here in a relationship with a similar age difference?  Anyone with some advice?

Re: I'm 13 years older than he is . . . .

  • I think it's time to talk about the important issues before you try to start ttc.

    • Parenting styles - What are each of your views on things like breastfeeding, child care, punishment, etc
    • Male/Female roles in the household
    • Financial issues
    • Religious beliefs - do you follow the same religion, if not or only one of you is a regular church goer, how does the other feel if you want to bring the child up in that faith

    Basically all the big things that can cause issues in a relationship. My big thing is don't get have a baby just because your clock is ticking. And don't get married to have a baby. Getting married should be something you do because you can't see yourself living the rest of your life without that person because of how great they treat you and how happy they make you. Let the ring come when he is ready. Then once the marriage happens, if you are meant to have a child together, then hopefully it will happen.

    At the very least, live together for at least six months to a year before trying to conceive. You really get to see a persons true personality when you live together and what happens if you get pregnant right away and then you realize after living with him for just a few months that you really aren't compatible. Or you discover that you don't care for his parenting style with your daughter. He may be wonderful with her now, but when he has to start dealing with her 24/7 it could change.

    short+sassyGilliC
  • I would definitely focus on the communication before considering marriage or child-rearing. You can overcome almost anything else if you have good communication. I'd suggest going through something like The Hard Questions and use it as practice for handling points where you don't quite agree.

    Also, don't be afraid to walk away if things don't work out. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, but it's harder to stay with someone you're not fully compatible with.
    image
  • Your biological clock is absolutely the worst possible reason to have a baby with someone.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    image
    TarponMonoxidedutchgirl76
  • VORVOR
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited September 2015
    He can be impatient, see's things as more black/white than I do, etc. I find myself being frustrated when we are discussing certain issues, particularly when he is so vehement that his way is the ONLY way, etc. He doesn't yell, but OMG the man can lecture!

    To the above ^^^ I don't know that this is really an age thing as much as personality. Be careful- this is a new relationship and you're quick to pin any issues on age. Don't get caught up in that and think "Oh- but as he gets older, it will get better". Some of this may very well be WHO he is, age aside.

    Disneygeek77TarponMonoxide
  • edited October 2015
    I'm 38, amicably divorcing, a mother to a 6-year-old daughter, and in a new relationship with a 26 year old.  I've known him for a couple years now, and feel pretty secure in our relationship.

    The issue is our age difference.  

    For one, we recognize that time is not on our side when it comes to my fertility.  We both want children, and plan to move in together next summer/fall.  I'm not really interested in getting re-married, but he is adamant that if we chose to have children together we will be married.  Our current plan (if all goes well) is to try for baby starting next summer.

    The biggest stumbling block I feel we are running into right now is his perception of things.  He is an old-soul, but still, he see's things with a very young perspective at times.  He can be impatient, see's things as more black/white than I do, etc.  I find myself being frustrated when we are discussing certain issues, particularly when he is so vehement that his way is the ONLY way, etc.  He doesn't yell, but OMG the man can lecture!  

    Is there anyone here in a relationship with a similar age difference?  Anyone with some advice?
    I have been there and I would not do it again.

    Reason being one of you -- or both of you -- will invariably show your age.

    What I find worrisome is that it looks like this gent doesn't "Get" the art of compromise. This is something to watch out for.

    I would suggest you live with him for a good long stretch -- at least a few years -- and watch to see how he handles life on a day to day immediate basis.  Don't rush into marriage with a guy who is still in his "wild oats sowing" stage -- he is, after all, 26.

    Conceive no kids with this guy during that time -- and how "new" of a relationship is this? if it is less than several months, he can be here today and gone tomorrow and now is NOT the time to discuss kids or moving in or marriage or anything else like that.

    You are moving a tad too quickly -- you have a 6 year old daughter. Ultimately this gent should have been firmly ensconced with you  for a good year and some change before you even introduced him to your child!

    You're moving in WHEN???

    Slow down.....waaaaay down......give this another 15 months or so of dating -- and see where this goes. And limit his time that he spends with you and the child. A 26 year old is rarely ready to be a father.
  • I can't stress the slow the heck down enough. If you're really that interested in having another child with this man, or another person research your options into freezing your eggs. No it's not that simple, but this poor unborn child may have a long road never mind your 6 year old. There's always adopting and foster care down the road as well.
  • IF THIS WERE YOUR DAUGHTER TELLING YOU THIS,  how would you feel and what advice would you give?Think about it and be honest...

    You are going to destroy your daughter if you move in, marry and have children with this guy.  She's already damaged from her real Dad not being there and from having a new man present in your home.

    You will likely be fertile for another 10 years or so, so don't use that as an excuse to shack up. 

    Do you not know any people your own age? He is still a kid and I am shocked that you have anything in common with him.

    I think the number is 70% of marriages with kids from other relationships result in divorce and the majority of marriages when marrying under the age of 28 divorce....so right now you are on the road to 100% failure. 

    I wouldn't shack up with this kid. Do you really want to teach your daughter that it's good for her to a) be used by a guy for a lay and food?
    b) sex before marriage is ok?
    c) that a guy doesn't need to commit to her 100% and be willing to take full care of her to live with him? 
    d) That being selfish is ok?
    e) and then put her on the back burner when you and young stud have a kid?

    Live together and marriage are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT....it does not require a commitment.  The rules are different.....

    Bottom line..PUT YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST!!!!!!!!!!  Let that sink in.. PUT YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST!!!!    don't be selfish, don't move in...don't even date until your daughter is older. She needs your 100% attention and good decision making. You cannot possibly do that if you are planning with young stud. I beg you, please rethink this and maybe seek some therapy for yourself before you go any further....the whole situation is really inappropriate. 


  • I can only share my experience, my wife is 6 years older than I am and has two children from a previous marriage. I was 25 when we first met, I had never been married before and also said I have to have my own child (she didn’t want more kids).  Once the decision was made that she would have one more our relationship quickly progressed and we were married a year later in 2001.

    Looking back over the years raising two step kids has been the hardest thing I have ever done, it almost ended our marriage.  Communication and compromise are the two things that saved the marriage.  My two oldest kids are 25 & 23 and live out of the house now. My youngest is 13 years old and is a breeze to raise in comparison to my older two. Both of my older kids are great kids and now great adults and I love them both as my own and always will but if you have any doubts this early in the relationship you have to question the longevity once things get hard and they will.      

    doclagoshort+sassy
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