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Hubby Wants Kink, Not Baby

Hi all, This is my first post and may be TMI, but I'm in a real bind here. Hubs and I have been together 10 years, married 8, and for the most part we've enjoyed an active, healthy, and passionate sex life, even when I was pregnant with our 7 year old son. Two years ago, we started actively trying to have another child, and we have had no luck. I've been tracking ovulation, been through extensive testing, and had two early miscarriages. Doctors have been frustrating and have not diagnosed anything, even though I have a strong family history of endometriosis and have shown all the symptoms. I've been doing a lot of research into homeopathic and natural solutionsm including acupuncture. To put it mildly, sex is stressing me out. On top of that, hubs has a new, high-stress job and has been putting in long hours at work. After a massive fight on Mothers' Day (hubs forgot), we've been tiptoeing around each other for a month. Things came to a head this past weekend, and we shared a lot of truths with each other. My husband dropped two bombs: One,he's not sure he wants another baby, as our son is at a really independent stage and he's not sure he wants to got through diapers, etcetera again (he is a GREAT, involved, dad). Two, he announced that he has realized he wants to be dominated by a woman and would like to explore BDSM, inlcuding going to kink and swingers clubs. We've always been very open to new ideas in regards to sex, but I'm just not in an emotional place where this is right for me (particularly since another baby is on the back burner). Hubs is basically demanding this as a condition to continue our relationship, and he has been very sexually aggressive this past week (everything seems to be about sex). We keep saying we are going to see a marriage counselor, but life keeps getting in the way. We love each other in a crazy passionate way and don't want to divorce, but right now we don't seem to be able to meet each others' needs. Has anyone been through this? How did you make it work?

Re: Hubby Wants Kink, Not Baby

  • edited July 2015
    DenverTri said:
    Hi all, This is my first post and may be TMI, but I'm in a real bind here. Hubs and I have been together 10 years, married 8, and for the most part we've enjoyed an active, healthy, and passionate sex life, even when I was pregnant with our 7 year old son. Two years ago, we started actively trying to have another child, and we have had no luck. I've been tracking ovulation, been through extensive testing, and had two early miscarriages. Doctors have been frustrating and have not diagnosed anything, even though I have a strong family history of endometriosis and have shown all the symptoms. I've been doing a lot of research into homeopathic and natural solutionsm including acupuncture. To put it mildly, sex is stressing me out. On top of that, hubs has a new, high-stress job and has been putting in long hours at work. After a massive fight on Mothers' Day (hubs forgot), we've been tiptoeing around each other for a month. Things came to a head this past weekend, and we shared a lot of truths with each other. My husband dropped two bombs: One,he's not sure he wants another baby, as our son is at a really independent stage and he's not sure he wants to got through diapers, etcetera again (he is a GREAT, involved, dad). Two, he announced that he has realized he wants to be dominated by a woman and would like to explore BDSM, inlcuding going to kink and swingers clubs. We've always been very open to new ideas in regards to sex, but I'm just not in an emotional place where this is right for me (particularly since another baby is on the back burner). Hubs is basically demanding this as a condition to continue our relationship, and he has been very sexually aggressive this past week (everything seems to be about sex). We keep saying we are going to see a marriage counselor, but life keeps getting in the way. We love each other in a crazy passionate way and don't want to divorce, but right now we don't seem to be able to meet each others' needs. Has anyone been through this? How did you make it work?
    I red flagged this guy when you said he said "Swingers' clubs."

    The only thing I'd conceive is a set of divorce papers. I smell a big fat rat; kinky isn't the only problem you've got here. Your H has a wandering eye. Smell the same kind of rat that I do and suspect monkey business.

    Kink and swinging are not even "related." They are two different things. Smell a big fat rat.  

    GL. 
  • I would NEVER be okay with swinging, but I certainly don't judge couples who are okay with this.  But it needs to be something that both of you are 100% on board with.  I'm assuming you've never discussed the idea before and you have never expressed interest in anything remotely close to it, so... honestly... I'd be thinking that he was just looking for a free way to cheat.
  • And this is a CONDITION to stay married???  What???  There are other major issues at play here if he is threatening divorcing you if you won't do this.
  • Your communication also stinks.

    I doubt very much if this guy would see a counselor with you, or even give a hoot about tightening up the zero communication you and he have and he isn't likely to spice up your sex life WITH you, working on it together.

    None of this bodes well.

     Hubs is basically demanding this as a condition to continue our relationship, and he has been very sexually aggressive this past week (everything seems to be about sex).

    This is also emotional blackmail. You love each other like crazy? Then this would be the last thing he would even do to you.

    If I were you, I'd have a good talk with myself and ask myself if staying with this guy is worth it in the long run -- there are red flags all over the place here.

    This isn't about him being a sub and you being a domme --- that's easily remedied if you are comfortable talking rough to him and bossing him around and playing what's a role. This guy's already checked out of the marriage. Put yourself first. GL.


  • I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and read between the lines: he has a highly stressful new job and he wants to be dominated by YOU!  Because he's always feeling very stressed out at work, he wants that "in control" feeling in your hands in the bedroom.  Is that such a bad thing?  At least he's wanting to do this with YOU!  

    As far as swingers clubs go - there's a good chance that he's not wanting to go there to actually swap out, but to watch others or to give you both some ideas on how to spice it up in your bedroom.  

    Overall, it sounds like you're both on different sides of the page.  You wanting the baby, him wanting a juicier sex life with his wife.  Maybe grab a book (something along the lines of Sylvia Day's Crossfire series) to spice things up for you and see where that goes.  Maybe a little kink on your part  (and when I say kink, it doesn't mean to do things you don't want to) could lead to you getting what you want too.   


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