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Hate Sex

I'm hoping that I can get some help/advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation. Some background: My husband and I have been married for four and a half years. We both waited for the wedding night for religious reasons and have never had any other partners. Growing up, sex was not something that was a big deal in my household. My mother worked evenings in a hospital and they slept in separate rooms because of different schedules and sleep apnea. They weren't a touchy feely couple. They let me choose my religion as a kid, and I had to beg my dad for a purity ring because he didn't want me to make a commitment I would regret. So it's not like I was brought up in a house where sex was badmouthed or looked down upon, it was just a non-issue. In the time we've been married, I have NEVER liked sex. It is no longer painful, but it is still difficult. It causes a lot of anxiety for me and God bless my husband, we sometims go 3-4 months without. It makes me feel incredibly guilty. I don't know who to talk to about it or where to turn. Doing some research, I woder about vaginismus, but am not sure what kind of doctor to see. My primary? An OBGYN? I admit I have some major body/sex hang ups and the thought of discussing this with my regular doctor who I see for other things is slightly terrifying. I want to be a good wife. I want to enjoy something that obviously most people find enjooyable, but I don't know where to turn. Even being able to admit this here has been a huge step and this was incredibly difficult to write. I'm just hoping somebody with a similar experience can share what worked for them. I don't know if the problem is mental (probably), phyical, or a bit of both.

Re: Hate Sex

  • edited June 2015
    JMBT8 said:
    I'm hoping that I can get some help/advice from people who have maybe been in a similar situation. Some background: My husband and I have been married for four and a half years. We both waited for the wedding night for religious reasons and have never had any other partners.

    I am not a prude and I consider myself to be fairly spiritual...but these "no sex until marriage for religious purposes" edicts serve no purpose at all.

    I can't tell you how many posts there are on these boards from couples like yourself and the couples have many problems --- it has to do with no intimacy before marriage: the husbands are never in the mood, the couple doesn't know how to go about being sexual, the wife can't seem to get in the mood, etc. 

    There has to be a better way. "We will do what comes naturally" is only a promisory note.

    In the meanwhile, I don't know what to advise couples like these. Except see a sex therapist and see what that person advises.


    Growing up, sex was not something that was a big deal in my household. My mother worked evenings in a hospital and they slept in separate rooms because of different schedules and sleep apnea. They weren't a touchy feely couple. They let me choose my religion as a kid, and I had to beg my dad for a purity ring because he didn't want me to make a commitment I would regret.


    Don't get me started on any "purity" issues. If that is all that men "of religion" seem to require in a woman, there's a big issue indeed. You are worth more than what is between your legs...and it is an antediluvian school of thought. 
     

    So it's not like I was brought up in a house where sex was badmouthed or looked down upon, it was just a non-issue. In the time we've been married, I have NEVER liked sex. It is no longer painful, but it is still difficult. It causes a lot of anxiety for me and God bless my husband, we sometims go 3-4 months without. It makes me feel incredibly guilty. I don't know who to talk to about it or where to turn. Doing some research, I woder about vaginismus, but am not sure what kind of doctor to see. My primary? An OBGYN? I admit I have some major body/sex hang ups and the thought of discussing this with my regular doctor who I see for other things is slightly terrifying.

    I want to be a good wife. I want to enjoy something that obviously most people find enjooyable, but I don't know where to turn. Even being able to admit this here has been a huge step and this was incredibly difficult to write. I'm just hoping somebody with a similar experience can share what worked for them. I don't know if the problem is mental (probably), phyical, or a bit of both.
    What I suggest:

    You and your partner need to COMMUNICATE.

    You and he need to sit down in a setting outside of the bedroom and discuss your sex life.

    You need to be open and so does he.

    Have you done lots of foreplay, gone slowly and used lots of lube? If you haven't, I suggest yo do so.

    I also suggest you start masturbatijng, by yourself at first.

    Do it alone --- it is not "dirty" or a  "Sin" --- find out what touches turn you on. THen show him.

    I also suggest that he go down on you. It's a sure fire way to orgasm.

    Check out sex manuals for couples and see a gyn you like --- explain your problem  -- try one that is affiliated with a teaching hospital -- and see what remedies he or she can suggest. You may still even have an intact hymen -- it happens -- can be surgically removed in a simple operation.

     You might consider looking into  another religion where the clergypersons are more broadminded and live in the 21st century.   I can't see how you are comfortable with one of "those" religions that control women and more or less make somebody feel guilty when it comes to sexual pleasue with a spouse. GL.
  • Ugh, it really bothers me to read someone put down one's religious beliefs when they aren't hateful or harmful to others. 
    Hating sex doesn't seem normal to me. The only advice I have is that you seek help. I would first talk to your OB to see if there is anything physically wrong with you and since you have anxiety over sex, I would talk to a therapist and sex therapist. Good Luck!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
    als1982
  • nurse714 said:
    Ugh, it really bothers me to read someone put down one's religious beliefs when they aren't hateful or harmful to others. 
    Hating sex doesn't seem normal to me. The only advice I have is that you seek help. I would first talk to your OB to see if there is anything physically wrong with you and since you have anxiety over sex, I would talk to a therapist and sex therapist. Good Luck!
    She wasn't putting down a religious belief.  She was simply stating that she sees tons of couples who wait for marriage to have sex who have problems and is wondering out loud if there is a better way.  Sex is such an important part of marriage and if these beliefs are impeding on marriage, then maybe there needs to be a better way.  And this is coming from a pretty conservative Republican (albeit somewhat a-religious).


    I have nothing to add other than what PPs have suggested.  Honestly, this sounds more like an emotional issue than a physical issue.  Consider seeing a therapist.  Sex is a part of the glue that holds a marriage together and both partners should enjoy it.
    TarponMonoxide
  • @BlueBirdMB


     "You might consider looking into  another religion where the clergypersons are more broadminded and live in the 21st century.   I can't see how you are comfortable with one of "those" religions that control women and more or less make somebody feel guilty when it comes to sexual pleasue with a spouse. GL."

    That is a very judgmental comment towards someone's religious beliefs. I know this is the internet so one can really type whatever they want, but it's just a pet peeve of mine when people comment on other's religious beliefs when they aren't hateful or harmful to others.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
    als1982
  • edited July 2015
    nurse714 said:
    @BlueBirdMB


     "You might consider looking into  another religion where the clergypersons are more broadminded and live in the 21st century.   I can't see how you are comfortable with one of "those" religions that control women and more or less make somebody feel guilty when it comes to sexual pleasue with a spouse. GL."

    That is a very judgmental comment towards someone's religious beliefs. I know this is the internet so one can really type whatever they want, but it's just a pet peeve of mine when people comment on other's religious beliefs when they aren't hateful or harmful to others.
    More broadminded are the 2 key words.

    Those religions see everything as a sin. THAT is what is judgmental.

    Purity rings?

    That is downright skeevy and creepy. And so are those purity father daughter dances. They've GOT to move into the 21st century. There is much more to a person than what is or is not between his or her legs.  What you get when sexually primitive cultures are running the show.
  •   It may sound contradictory but.....................The more you like and enjoy sex, the more your husband will enjoy sex. Men seem to be turned on more by slightly aggressive women that want and enjoy "it" vs the women that just passively "lays there".
      Now how to get there form here ???
      A medical exam as many sex problems are physical or hormonal.Not something that you are doing  or not doing.
      We all feel better and look better if we exercise. Consumption of junk food should be an occasional treat instead of being a main staple.
       A lot of couples think for some reason that if they hold out for marriage that  they will collect "interest" and sex after marriage will be extra good and makeup for abstinence. Ain't so.
       Now I am the first person to promote abstinence if not for the simple reason that STD's would be history. Single Moms would be fewer. Heart ache and heart break from failed relationships is much less severe in non sexual relationships. 
        Some folk claim that just going through the motions and from habit that they can actually learn to enjoy sex. I did not used to thrilled about giving BJ's and receiving oral but now it's big time fun thrilling each other.
       Could try just shaving smooth a small area bare around the vaginal entrance and using lube to avoid injury and pain. Then have hubby gently make a habit of daily sex for 3 out of 4 weeks a month. 
  • KyraNerysKyraNerys
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    member
    edited October 2015

    I used to like sex. A lot. But now I find it slightly disgusting.  I'm just getting older and find the whole thing rather pointless and tiresome.  I have orgasms, no problem there and they're fine and all that, but I'd just rather go to sleep!  LOL!  And oral sex is just flat out gross to me.  I'd rather give a BJ, though, than endure that mouth on my nether region ... shudder. I don't care how good it feels, the thought of it just makes me want to gag.  :-&

    BUT I put myself through whatever for the trade off.  He's a wonderful man, so caring, such a great provider, the best dad ever, hardworking around the house, never gives me a moment's concern about cheating on me.  I love him to pieces.  We're a team.  And as bad as it sounds, I gladly take one for the team at least two or three times a week.  I can't imagine making him go 3 to 4 months without sex when it is so important to him.  He meets all of my needs in every other area, I can certainly meet his in the sack.  You (OP) should probably just suck it up and do what you need to do to make your husband happy, especially if the act is not causing you any "pain."  Pretend you like it until you do is my advice to you.  But at this point after going months on end without it, it will look suspicious if you all of a sudden get on a weekly schedule.  If you don't want to go to a sex therapist, if you're too uncomfortable and embarrassed to have a frank discussion with your husband, but you love him and want to stay married, well, it may sound a bit old-fashioned, but maybe "fake it 'til you make it" is the road to choose.

    You may never like it, but it is a big part of marriage for most men.  I'm just telling you that even if you don't necessarily enjoy it yourself, it may be that you get emotional enjoyment out of pleasing the man you love.  For me, the physical pleasure of it is the least important thing.  I do it to make my husband happy and it doesn't hurt me to do that for the man that loves me and that I love.

    That "purity" ring thing sounds more than a bit old-fashioned to me, so this may be right down your alley.

    Good luck!

  • You may want to see your gyn and a sex therapist. 
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