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"When are you having a baby?"

MrsFL2015MrsFL2015
First Anniversary First Comment
member
edited May 2015 in BNOTB
My Fi and I are getting married in a few weeks and this question seems to be coming up more and more lately.   We are not certain about  children yet, and have decided to keep our feelings private for the time being.   

A friend asked me this question this weekend.  I replied by saying, " Time will tell...." and sort of left it at that.   She kept pressing me for answers and even asked me if we had this conversation.  I felt so awkward.    This particular friend is a mother herself.   She is the type that assumes that EVERYONE has that burning desire to be a parent.  I didn't want to (or feel I had to) go into detail regarding our personal feelings on the issue of children right now.  It's our business only nor do did i feel I had to tell her we had that conversation.  Again, our personal business. 

Talking about this with other people makes me uncomfortable.   I don't feel the need to have to justify my decision to everyone.  What is a polite way to stop people from prying into our personal business regarding this subject?   I try to change the subject, but some people will not let it go. 

Re: "When are you having a baby?"

  • Ugh!  Seriously?  Can people at least wait until the ceremony has happened, lol.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd respond in a joking manner, "Whoa!  Can we at least wait for the ink to dry on our marriage certificate?  Really though, we are gong to just enjoy being newlyweds.  It's not on the horizon anytime soon."  And bean dip, ie change the subject.

    If pressed further, "Like I said, I don't have the answer myself to that question and there is no point in discussing it further."

    And if even the above is too much personal information for you, just (nicely) tell them it is none of their business. 

    dutchgirl76
  • I know, it's very annoying.  It was in the presence of other people who gave their own two cents and said, "you're not getting any younger."   It just added fuel to the fire.    
  • I think the way you are currently handling it is very polite.  Unfortunately i feel like unless you are blunt and sometimes rude about it, people keep asking.  It is incredibly frustrating. 
    imageimage
    short+sassydutchgirl76
  • Sadly this question only gets harder. I agree with PP, remind people that you're not even married yet so they should just relax. It's no one's business. 
  • Oh!  This reminds of my friend.  Her and her FI had just gotten engaged.  Her future MIL...who is super conservative, but was super grandbaby hungry...told my friend, "Now that you're engaged, it's okay to start having sex and trying for a baby."  Of course, my friend and her FI had hardly been waiting until they got engaged...at least for the sex part...so there was a lot of lip biting to keep from laughing out loud.

    Her and her FI (now H) did plan to have children one day, but were planning to wait a few years.  But, of all the terrible timing and bad luck, my friend had horrendous back pain on the last day of their honeymoon.  She had to take a 10-hour flight in agony.  When she went to the doctor the next day, turned out she had a huge cyst on one of her ovaries and it had to be removed.

    After she recovered from surgery, her and H had to move up their TTC to ASAP, because her doctor told her it was very possible this would happen to her other ovary at some point.  Fortunately, she got pregnant fairly quickly.  Had a healthy little girl and a healthy little boy a couple years later.

    I have sometimes (evilly) wondered if her MIL was at least in part secretly happy about my friend's medical condition, since it pushed up the arrival of grandchildren by a few years.     

  • For us people laid off after the wedding but now that we've been married for 9 months EVERYONE seems to have some sort of personal interest in my uterus occupancy. I don't know if they thought I'd have one at our 9 month mark or what...

    At least around the time where we got married I could say that we had just gotten married and had a lot going on, or that after paying for a wedding we really couldn't afford a kid right away. But now that it has been 9 months I feel like I have no excuses left that I can share.

    I try to laugh everyone off and tell them that our puppy is enough for now but it isn't anyone's business that we aren't in the financial position we want to be and that I have enough medical issues right now without adding pregnancy to the list. 

    Even my parents who were originally very anti-grandchild now keep on dropping hints everywhere we go. Our neighbour had put out a crib for our spring clean up last week and they told me it was a sign!

    I almost want to get a shirt saying, "Not pregnant, not planning to, stop asking!"
    dutchgirl76
  • @TheMadHatter93- a shirt like that would be awesome!!!!
    imageimage
  • I want that shirt too!

    It's so frustrating no matter what you do. As PP's have said, try to be polite, at least for now you can use the newlywed excuse.
  • If you're planning to have kids someday or are on the fence, I'd just lightly say, "Oh no.  Definitely not anytime soon!"  I think for a lot of people, it might just be a topic of conversation.

    I know I've been guilty of asking friends.  Though I usually phrase it more like, "Are you all thinking about having kids at some point?"  Instead of using the assumptive word "when".  But I don't ask acquaintances or newlyweds.  And I don't ask more than once.

    I'm more interested when a couple has been married at least a few years.  I do use it as a topic of conversation to get to know them better.  Are they kindred "no kids" spirits like me or just don't think its the right time yet.  And if they seem uncomfortable or avoid the question, hint taken!

  • I would just tell people "We don't have a time frame in mind yet. Right now we're working on planning the wedding"  and then for after the wedding "We're enjoying our time as just newleyweds for now"

     

    short+sassy
  • Ugggh I hate how people think it's ok to make it their business.  Or how they think that, just because they think having kids right away is mandatory, that it's mandatory for everyone else, too.  No matter what I say people argue it and it chaps my a$$. 


    The last time someone made a comment was when I posted a picture on FB holding my grand-nephew and a cousin of mine said "you need one of those," followed by a HS classmate saying "yeah, you really do."  I replied "no, I don't.  I'm not interested."  I'm 43.  I'm happy being a stepmom to a 17 year old.  And picking up and leaving whenever I feel like it, whether it be for a bike ride or a trip to a foreign country.


    image
  • I relate to this too much!

    I got married last Saturday (YAYYY!!!!) and I lost count the amount of times people asked about kids. IN THE SPEECHES!
    M and I have a 2-5 year plan {house first, then kid/s} 

    So frustrating. I see why people do this in our family - I'm only child/granddaughter and M is only one who's even mentioned kids {his cousin is married and she's got enough planned kids aren't soon}


    Just .... urg. I "bean dip" people constantly
  • I relate to this too much!

    I got married last Saturday (YAYYY!!!!) and I lost count the amount of times people asked about kids. IN THE SPEECHES!
    M and I have a 2-5 year plan {house first, then kid/s} 

    So frustrating. I see why people do this in our family - I'm only child/granddaughter and M is only one who's even mentioned kids {his cousin is married and she's got enough planned kids aren't soon}


    Just .... urg. I "bean dip" people constantly
    Congratulations!!!!  And good job on the bean dipping ;)
  • Why is marriage always associated with children? It is perfectly acceptable to get married (or not) & never have children. I'm childless by choice & happy about it. I do whatever I want when I want to do it, I travel all over the world, I work full-time, I can come home at any hour I want to. People always ask "how come you don't want kids?" I ask "how come you do?"
    short+sassy
  • I agree people assume you only get married so that you can have kids "the right way" (meaning you know you're both committed to a planned pregnancy) I used to get so frustrated when I was engaged and right after we got married when I'd get comments "well you don't have a house yet, now that you're married (or once you're) and you buy a house then you'll want a kid"...Yeah I can see the logic, but it doesn't mean that's right for everyone.
    short+sassy
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