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So glad I found this section!

It is so nice to find a forum about marriage, which has a section for childfree couples. My husband and I are childfree by choice. It is too bad that so many people around us think that we will change our minds or we are going through a phase. I used to mention my husband's vasectomy to shut people up but that information is too personal. I also hate it when people assume that I "made" my husband have The Snip.  Now I just say that having babies isn't an option for us.

I love children when I can give them back to their parents. I am an indulgent aunt to three girls and my nieces love me to death because I spoil them. I have a medical condition which would be exacerbated by pregnancy and  postpartum. I wanted children when I was younger until I worked as a nanny. I enjoy having a lot of freedom, a quiet home and lots of time for my husband. I am not interested in experiencing pregnancy or childbirth. My abusive childhood taught me that sometimes children cause too much stress and unhappiness; I know my mother would not have been so violent and angry if she didn't have four kids. Lastly, I see too many women who feel the need to stay in unhappy marriages because of their children. I do not want to be permanently tied to a man with kids for that reason; I want to continue staying with my husband because I choose to rather than feel obligated should our marriage go sour. 

If you choose not to have children, what made you decide not to? I'm just curious and I thought it would be an interesting discussion. No offence intended.

Re: So glad I found this section!

  • We are choosing to be child-free, we are still on the younger side I suppose (30 and 31), Many of our friends and soon family members are starting to have children, so im feeling surrounded lol  Most people tell us we will change our minds which infuriates me.  Just respect my decision and leave it!!!!  I get awful looks from women all the time when i'm asked and i'm told i'm weird.  Isnt that lovely?

    I was never the girl that WANTED children, i always said oh maybe one day, when we're older. I babysat as a teenager and i was not a fan. The older i got and the more i learned about myself and the marriage that we were building, the more i thought i dont see kids in our future. Both of us can tend to have a selfish streak, we like to do what we want and when we want type deal. I cant picture myself giving up my life now for a child, nor do i have the desire to.

     Kids/babies are cute i just dont want to have one of my own.  Im looking forwarded to having nieces/nephews and spoiling them as you do.
    imageimage
    NoneForUs
  • I'm looking at your pics and I must say that you are a beautiful woman. :x 

    It looks like you are a proud pet mama. I am too. I love our little white cat. She is a spoiled diva. 

    I believe that couples without children have far more time to spend nurturing the marriage. 

  • When I was in my early 20's I thought I wanted children but in reality it was something the guy I was dating wanted and I wanted to keep him so I left it open as an option.  When that relationship ended badly I realized at one point that I could have ended up a single parent which was all the worse because I didn't even really want kids to start with.

    Dating and trying to find someone who didn't have the expectation of children was rough and I'm so glad I found DH who was 100% on the same page as me.  My family and friends who know us used to make comments but they've now largely accepted it.  I'm 31 and DH is 39 so when I'm really pressed for a reason I usually default to DH being almost 40 and not wanting to have kids so late.  But it annoys me because I shouldn't HAVE to explain myself.  "I just don't want them" should be enough.

    chrisnjay05212010NoneForUs
  • NoneForUs said:
    I'm looking at your pics and I must say that you are a beautiful woman. :x 

    It looks like you are a proud pet mama. I am too. I love our little white cat. She is a spoiled diva. 

    I believe that couples without children have far more time to spend nurturing the marriage. 

    awwww you are far too kind!!! Thank you  :\"> b I am def a proud pet mama!!! We also have a cat :)
    imageimage
  • Here is our "baby". We love Nyla to death. 

    Cat.jpg 45.2K
    chrisnjay05212010
  • ab6704a said:

    When I was in my early 20's I thought I wanted children but in reality it was something the guy I was dating wanted and I wanted to keep him so I left it open as an option.  When that relationship ended badly I realized at one point that I could have ended up a single parent which was all the worse because I didn't even really want kids to start with.

    Dating and trying to find someone who didn't have the expectation of children was rough and I'm so glad I found DH who was 100% on the same page as me.  My family and friends who know us used to make comments but they've now largely accepted it.  I'm 31 and DH is 39 so when I'm really pressed for a reason I usually default to DH being almost 40 and not wanting to have kids so late.  But it annoys me because I shouldn't HAVE to explain myself.  "I just don't want them" should be enough.

    I am so glad my husband and I found each other too. We are not like other couples in so many ways. I know my my mother doesn't accept my decision but she doesn't bother me about it anymore because I told her that my husband had a vasectomy. She was very disturbed about our choice and told me to talk about having kids on the honeymoon. My mother also assumed that my husband was forcing me not to have children. Poor thing is very old fashioned and ignorant.

     I notice that when I start talking about the reasons I don't want children, she quickly ends the conversation. There was one occasion where she was talking about some girl who grew up on my street, who now has three children because her husband wanted a big family. I said "Of course HE wants a lots of kids. He isn't going to do all the work!" My mother ran off the phone. 

    I have some aunts who bother me about having kids but I just tune them out when they go on their diatribes. 
  • Hi there,

         I'm a childfree woman as well who is married. My husband had a vasectomy, but he has decided not to tell his family. My family knows, and they've only given me a little bit of crap for being childfree luckily not much. His mom is dead, but his dad is married to a major pro-baby woman, and she was questioning us about the whole kid thing last year. Little did she know my DH had just had a vasectomy the week earlier. I told her we weren't interested in kids, but I left that part out. I'm almost 30 and he's 33.

         I've never had the desire to be a mother. I don't think someone should venture into parenting without the desire to do so. I am an aunt, and my nephew gravitates toward me. I love him, but I love visiting and going back to my clean quiet home.

         The part that bothers me the most is people who I've told that I'm childfree, and they  interpret it as an attack of their lifestyle. I've said more than once to people that I don't care if people have kids as long as they're taken care of. It's a lifestyle choice, plain and simple.

      


    chrisnjay05212010NoneForUs
  • NoblePath said:

    Hi there,

         I'm a childfree woman as well who is married. My husband had a vasectomy, but he has decided not to tell his family. My family knows, and they've only given me a little bit of crap for being childfree luckily not much. His mom is dead, but his dad is married to a major pro-baby woman, and she was questioning us about the whole kid thing last year. Little did she know my DH had just had a vasectomy the week earlier. I told her we weren't interested in kids, but I left that part out. I'm almost 30 and he's 33.

         I've never had the desire to be a mother. I don't think someone should venture into parenting without the desire to do so. I am an aunt, and my nephew gravitates toward me. I love him, but I love visiting and going back to my clean quiet home.

         The part that bothers me the most is people who I've told that I'm childfree, and they  interpret it as an attack of their lifestyle. I've said more than once to people that I don't care if people have kids as long as they're taken care of. It's a lifestyle choice, plain and simple.

      


    Now I just say that having a child isn't an option for us. It is completely true and keeps people from questioning me too much. 

    Some parents become insecure when they see happy childfree couples. They feel like our choice devalues their choice to become parents. I also think it is a bit of jealousy of all the freedom we have. 
    chrisnjay05212010
  • NoblePath said:

    Hi there,

         I'm a childfree woman as well who is married. My husband had a vasectomy, but he has decided not to tell his family. My family knows, and they've only given me a little bit of crap for being childfree luckily not much. His mom is dead, but his dad is married to a major pro-baby woman, and she was questioning us about the whole kid thing last year. Little did she know my DH had just had a vasectomy the week earlier. I told her we weren't interested in kids, but I left that part out. I'm almost 30 and he's 33.

         I've never had the desire to be a mother. I don't think someone should venture into parenting without the desire to do so. I am an aunt, and my nephew gravitates toward me. I love him, but I love visiting and going back to my clean quiet home.

         The part that bothers me the most is people who I've told that I'm childfree, and they  interpret it as an attack of their lifestyle. I've said more than once to people that I don't care if people have kids as long as they're taken care of. It's a lifestyle choice, plain and simple.

      


    yes yes yes! to not having the desire and the way people seem to think you are attacking them! I try to explain that i dont care that others decide to have children, it is your choice and it is my choice to be child free!!!   My brother and SIL are expecting their first baby and this will be our first niece/nephew, i am looking forward to this but will be glad to go home as just the two of us as well!
    imageimage
  • My DH is about 10 years older than me and already had 4 daughters from two previous mariages, so he does not want any more children.

    When I was younger, like teens and early 20s, I always assumed I would want children one day because that is what people "do".  Then I hit my mid-late 20s and saw a lot of my friends going through "baby fever" and just found it puzzling and odd, lol.  At that time, I was more of the opinion that if I married someone who wanted kids...fine...if I married someone who didn't...that was fine also.  Then I hit my early 30s and became adamant that I NEVER want children.

    It is not that I don't like children.  I think they are pretty fascinating and super darn cute, especially when they are babies and tots.  But I have just never had that desire to have children, that a lot of other people seem to get.  Perhaps someday scientists will find the "must have baby" DNA sequence that I am apparently missing, lol.

    Oddly enough, I have much more of a "mothering" instinct kick in when I see a cute dog or cat...especially puppies and kittens...than a human baby.

    @chrisnjay, For example, every time I see your sig pics, I just want to reach through my computer and snuggle your dog!  He is such a big cutie and looks so sweet :).  

    chrisnjay05212010NoneForUs
  • My DH is about 10 years older than me and already had 4 daughters from two previous mariages, so he does not want any more children.

    When I was younger, like teens and early 20s, I always assumed I would want children one day because that is what people "do".  Then I hit my mid-late 20s and saw a lot of my friends going through "baby fever" and just found it puzzling and odd, lol.  At that time, I was more of the opinion that if I married someone who wanted kids...fine...if I married someone who didn't...that was fine also.  Then I hit my early 30s and became adamant that I NEVER want children.

    It is not that I don't like children.  I think they are pretty fascinating and super darn cute, especially when they are babies and tots.  But I have just never had that desire to have children, that a lot of other people seem to get.  Perhaps someday scientists will find the "must have baby" DNA sequence that I am apparently missing, lol.

    Oddly enough, I have much more of a "mothering" instinct kick in when I see a cute dog or cat...especially puppies and kittens...than a human baby.

    @chrisnjay, For example, every time I see your sig pics, I just want to reach through my computer and snuggle your dog!  He is such a big cutie and looks so sweet :).  

    Minus having a hubby with kids from a previous marriage, i think we may be the same person!!!!!  I always thought eventually, some day i might, and then as i got older and really started to know myself, its not appealing to me at all!  I tell me that exact line, im missing that baby piece that most women have!

    He is actually a gigantic baby! especially if he knows your well, he is a snuggle bug for sure!!  I too am more app to oogle over a dog or cat way before a baby!
    imageimage
  • I've read research that alludes to the fact that there have always been people who never had children, and those of us without children are necessary to survival. I say that we help others in a different way. I worked as a nanny in college, and I'd teach the parents how to get their children to behave. This is all while not having any of my own of course (haha). I just have a way with things just like other people have a way with other things. I'm in a somewhat intellectual field, and a woman was talking to me once bashing herself for never doing well academically. I looked her right in the eyes and said No! Don't you dare criticize who you are. We need all different kinds of people and talents in this world. Live and let live is my personal motto.
    NoneForUs
  • I think I've always known I didn't want children. Growing up I never remember having a true desire for children like other girls, I would just say "oh yeah I'll have a girl and a boy' I liked picking out their names more than thinking about taking care of them. I worked as a nanny for a short time, one full week on a vacation with several children, 24/7 was too much for me and that was in my early 20's, I can't imagine doing it now in my early 30's who has the energy!

    As I mentioned in my intro, DH never wanted children and made it clear when we met. He just turned 38 and knows that he doesn't want to start having children that late in life (biologically, in the long run 38 is super young) and I know it's not always the most healthy decision. DH also works a job with a rotating schedule that includes some overnight shifts. I'm terrified of being at home as a "single mom" if you will a couple of nights a week guaranteed. I don't want to be a SAHM the idea actually gives me anxiety and we can't afford for either of us to quit our jobs.

    I don't think I have the mother gene either. The idea of being a SAHM gives me anxiety. I'm thankful we can't afford for either of us to quit our jobs because I don't want to get stuck having to stay home (no offense to the ones who can and do, it's just not for me.) I like working, I like having free time, although really childless people don't always have that much more and I like having a little money left for home improvements, travel and the future when my plans change. 
    NoneForUsshort+sassy
  • I think I've always known I didn't want children. Growing up I never remember having a true desire for children like other girls, I would just say "oh yeah I'll have a girl and a boy' I liked picking out their names more than thinking about taking care of them. I worked as a nanny for a short time, one full week on a vacation with several children, 24/7 was too much for me and that was in my early 20's, I can't imagine doing it now in my early 30's who has the energy!

    As I mentioned in my intro, DH never wanted children and made it clear when we met. He just turned 38 and knows that he doesn't want to start having children that late in life (biologically, in the long run 38 is super young) and I know it's not always the most healthy decision. DH also works a job with a rotating schedule that includes some overnight shifts. I'm terrified of being at home as a "single mom" if you will a couple of nights a week guaranteed. I don't want to be a SAHM the idea actually gives me anxiety and we can't afford for either of us to quit our jobs.

    I don't think I have the mother gene either. The idea of being a SAHM gives me anxiety. I'm thankful we can't afford for either of us to quit our jobs because I don't want to get stuck having to stay home (no offense to the ones who can and do, it's just not for me.) I like working, I like having free time, although really childless people don't always have that much more and I like having a little money left for home improvements, travel and the future when my plans change. 
    i was the same way as a kid, i would say i want a boy and girl and would talk about names but it didnt mean anything, i was just a kid!   My DH is a police officer so I understand the changing shifts and "single mom" concerns.   And i totally say that i don't have the mother gene either!!!  I tell my mom i must have skipped that line during creation LOL
    imageimage
    short+sassy
  • Local residents have the opportunity to meet two New York Giants players: Prince Amukamara, Super Bowl champion and cornerback, and http://greek21.com Wes Richburg, a promising young player starting at left tackle.

    Amukamara and Richburg will talk about their love for football and the role it has played in their lives. Stories will include their football opportunities in high school and college and the influence of parents and coaches who helped them reach the NFL. They will also speak about their drive for success and balance in life. This will be a community and family Zeta Tau Alpha event, encouraging young people and parents to have the kind of values that lead to positive outcomes.

    The event will take place at 5:30 p.m. Nov. 1 at Hillsborough Middle Sigma Chi School, 260 Triangle Road. Tickets are $12 and include a buffet dinner. For more information and to register, visit www.crossroadsnj.org/giants. Register early as tickets are limited.

  • I adore and respect children but was in my late 20s when I decided I didn't ever want to have any.  I'm happy to be a step mom of a sweet and smart teenage girl, whom I am blessed to have a good relationship with, as well as a friendly relationship with her mom.  She was 9 when I met DH so she was self-sufficient and not needy or clingy like a toddler would've been.

    I have zero interest in pregnancy or childbirth.  I refuse to give up wine or sushi for 40 weeks. I hate noise and mess.  I focus on LOSING weight.  I like spending money on myself, sleeping in, coming and going as I please, taking trips, doing fun things with DH and making my own schedule.  And I agree that sometimes kids DO complicate relationships/marriages.  I like it being me and DH, and the 3 of us when SD is with us (which I have a feelng those days are numbered as she'll be getting her DL this year).

    chrisnjay05212010NoneForUs
  • I adore and respect children but was in my late 20s when I decided I didn't ever want to have any.  I'm happy to be a step mom of a sweet and smart teenage girl, whom I am blessed to have a good relationship with, as well as a friendly relationship with her mom.  She was 9 when I met DH so she was self-sufficient and not needy or clingy like a toddler would've been.

    I have zero interest in pregnancy or childbirth.  I refuse to give up wine or sushi for 40 weeks. I hate noise and mess.  I focus on LOSING weight.  I like spending money on myself, sleeping in, coming and going as I please, taking trips, doing fun things with DH and making my own schedule.  And I agree that sometimes kids DO complicate relationships/marriages.  I like it being me and DH, and the 3 of us when SD is with us (which I have a feelng those days are numbered as she'll be getting her DL this year).

    PREACH! Why on earth would I want to endure the discomfort of pregnancy and the horrible carnage of pushing a baby out of my crotch? I once saw a video of a woman giving birth and I wanted to throw up. I'm sure that video is one of the reasons I am childfree.

    Becoming a parent is much harder on a woman than a man. It is so easy for them to sleep through a baby screaming and most dads do very little. I also have no interest in having my romantic time compromised by children. 
  • I think I've always known I didn't want children. Growing up I never remember having a true desire for children like other girls, I would just say "oh yeah I'll have a girl and a boy' I liked picking out their names more than thinking about taking care of them. I worked as a nanny for a short time, one full week on a vacation with several children, 24/7 was too much for me and that was in my early 20's, I can't imagine doing it now in my early 30's who has the energy!

    As I mentioned in my intro, DH never wanted children and made it clear when we met. He just turned 38 and knows that he doesn't want to start having children that late in life (biologically, in the long run 38 is super young) and I know it's not always the most healthy decision. DH also works a job with a rotating schedule that includes some overnight shifts. I'm terrified of being at home as a "single mom" if you will a couple of nights a week guaranteed. I don't want to be a SAHM the idea actually gives me anxiety and we can't afford for either of us to quit our jobs.

    I don't think I have the mother gene either. The idea of being a SAHM gives me anxiety. I'm thankful we can't afford for either of us to quit our jobs because I don't want to get stuck having to stay home (no offense to the ones who can and do, it's just not for me.) I like working, I like having free time, although really childless people don't always have that much more and I like having a little money left for home improvements, travel and the future when my plans change. 
    I love having disposable income for getaways and date nights. I see the jealousy in mother's eyes when I talk about the lovely restos my husband and I visit.  :))
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