Starting Over
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it started out as it's not me its you, now its not you its me...

edited March 2014 in Starting Over

So I have been married to my H for almost 3 years, we've been together for 5. I was head over heels for him from the very beginning, he was someone who KNEW what he wanted and usually got it. From the get-go it was a very fast-paced romance, within months of dating he asked me to move in . I had never lived with a guy before so very new to me.We fought a lot dating, and about 2 1/2 years of dating the inevitable happened. His mom was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor and died within a month of being diagnosed. During which when he found out he paced around the room crying and then asked me to marry him..and I didn't answer right away, there were so many emotions and then I just said yes, now I want you to know I am not a monster, at least I don’t think I am, I love him but I think now in retrospect I didn't want to say no while his mom was on her deathbed. 4 months after he proposed he decided we needed to move since he wanted to be near his family. I stated that if he needed to leave to leave, I was prepared to let him go but he wanted or said he needed me to come with him. Now I know it’s my fault I shouldn't have agreed.He decided on when and where the wedding was, regardless of how hard it'd be for my family. We moved 2 weeks before wedding and lived with his sister and her family (and their newborn) for a few months till we got jobs/apt. Ever since I will admit I've held on feelings of regret/resentment. We had no honeymoon phase or anything it just happened. 

I feel the entirety until now every decision has been made by H, not us, new car, quitting work for school etc,. I feel like I am not equal with him and that I have put him on a pedestal. I've felt unappreciated for some time and feel like I've lost myself in the last few years when I bring up issues he states its something wrong with me. Sex has always been the minimum with us always once a month or a few months I am the one with the high-drive not him, I've even been told to not initiate it because he said he would feel bad if turned me down, so I would wait and mention it when a month had pass. I am even going to the gym daily in hopes that maybe if I lose some weight he'd be more attracted to me. The past few months (I asked him to finally go into the doc for years and then when I threatened to leave he went) and was tested for positive with low-testosterone, and even with what is on the line, he still hasn't taken medication given to him. 

I've grown lonely even while at home. Every time I would say I was unhappy H would point out and say I was depressed and needed to go see someone, that the problem was me. Though as time progressed I grew homesick, I became more of an introvert. And during this whole time he said he thought things were fine. I have since told him what that I am in need of more physical connection with him I need more of a lover and a husband than I do of a roommate. And for almost three years my self-esteem has lessened more and more. I've felt that he’s not attracted to me so in return I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t desire intimacy as I used to. I feel like I have turned into him, that I am not interested in how his day is, or what he did in school and so on. We just sort of keep to ourselves and honestly....I like it better, I don't feel I have to constantly be trying to uphold a conversation because the silence between us has always been awkward. I don't have to be on my toes trying to impress him constantly.  I feel like I am disconnecting emotionally from the relationship and I feel like the "bad guy" because I feel like I tried and tried with little to nothing from him and now I don't want to try and then I am the bad one who isn't trying now. 

We have started couples therapy and I am trying to keep an open mind but when I look at 5 years down the road I cant imagine having this sexless marriage, and feeling like I will forever be CHASING my husband. I know he is trying I get it and I love him, but I feel like I am not as IN love with him. And no I haven't cheated and yes it's crossed my mind but I don't want to be that person. I am just mentally exhausted and so out of touch now. And I just want to know if there are others who are in this situation or what helped. Like I said we are in couples and I am also seeing my own therapist. 

Re: it started out as it's not me its you, now its not you its me...

  • Wow! I am sorry you're going through this. I think therapy is your best bet. There is a lot going on here. It may be this relationship has run it's course. If you're both willing to work on it though, maybe not. Good luck!
  • @sillygirl45 thanks for the input, we are currently in couples therapy and I am in my own individual as well. its definitely tough because I feel like I get all these different feelings when I am in both sessions, in my individual I feel better about myself and couples I feel like I am being backed into a corner, like its my fault. In our last session I voiced this opinion and maybe we need a new counselor, but I feel like DH is going to benefit from this one, but not us. Its definitely stressful like maybe it is my fault but I feel like I did try and I put so much into this for so long that...its draining. 
  • I don't think any marriage is ever over until you sign the divorce paperwork. I think there is a lot of work that needs to be done, and a lot of effort that needs to be put in place, but in the end, you two will fall back in love. I'm sure.
  • I used to feel that way. Don't get me wrong I am definitely trying to be positive. We have our good days & bad, but we are definitely more like roommates. I recently asked H if he'd consider we seek a new therapist & he got upset & said that I wouldn't like anyone who agrees w/ Him & not me. Though I didn't think couples counseling was about who is agreeing/disagreeing with who. I will admit that I do find myself upset after our discussions and have voiced at our last one that I feel like I am being pushed into a corner on the "who's fault is it" spectrum & that I am the one who needs to do this and that, & can't I just see that H is going to school & thats a ft job in itself etc. & that I should wait to want kids until he is ready. Though I don't think thats absolutely fair to make me be the only person who has to "compromise." A huge part of me is starting to think that H doesn't really want kids. And that is a deal breaker. We don't even have a sex life, we haven't had sex since before october and i admit I have lost emotional/physical attraction & our therapist recommends..almost forcing it, like just let it happen & my self esteem has deteriorated so much that I don't think I could be comfortable being nude or do that with him. Its definitely been hard & tiring, though I enjoy my own therapist and feel like she has opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself and those are things that I am trying to work and sort out. Though I feel like its just me....why is it just ME? Why doesn't he have to work to help with bills. I work and go to school to but thats because Im an adult and have to push myself & I feel like H just does the minimum. *LE SIGH* I'm sorry. 
  • So I have been married to my H for almost 3 years, we've been together for 5. I was head over heels for him from the very beginning, he was someone who KNEW what he wanted and usually got it. From the get-go it was a very fast-paced romance, within months of dating he asked me to move in . I had never lived with a guy before so very new to me.

    He moved too fast.:(


    We fought a lot dating,

    Wow, does this ever stand out. Just based on this he wasn't the guy for you. You're not supposed to be fighting a lot with anybody.:(



    and about 2 1/2 years of dating the inevitable happened. His mom was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor and died within a month of being diagnosed.

    Sorry to hear. Brain cancers can be notoriously aggressive.


    During which when he found out he paced around the room crying and then asked me to marry him..and I didn't answer right away, there were so many emotions and then I just said yes, now I want you to know I am not a monster,

    This was a bad tme for him to ask you to get married!

    He just had a big tragedy in his life --- none of this makes sense! Your mother dies and you propose to your girlfriend???

    And by rights you should have said no, considering what just happened.

    At least I don’t think I am, I love him but I think now in retrospect I didn't want to say no while his mom was on her deathbed. 4 months after he proposed he decided we needed to move since he wanted to be near his family. I stated that if he needed to leave to leave, I was prepared to let him go but he wanted or said he needed me to come with him. Now I know it’s my fault I shouldn't have agreed.He decided on when and where the wedding was, regardless of how hard it'd be for my family. We moved 2 weeks before wedding and lived with his sister and her family (and their newborn) for a few months till we got jobs/apt. Ever since I will admit I've held on feelings of regret/resentment. We had no honeymoon phase or anything it just happened.


    All of this is wrong -- he asks you to get married and he did so and had you and him just drop everything???

    ALL of this should have been a big warning sign to you. ALL of it.

    I feel the entirety until now every decision has been made by H, not us, new car, quitting work for school etc,. I feel like I am not equal with him and that I have put him on a pedestal. I've felt unappreciated for some time and feel like I've lost myself in the last few years when I bring up issues he states its something wrong with me. Sex has always been the minimum with us always once a month or a few months I am the one with the high-drive not him, I've even been told to not initiate it because he said he would feel bad if turned me down, so I would wait and mention it when a month had pass. I am even going to the gym daily in hopes that maybe if I lose some weight he'd be more attracted to me. The past few months (I asked him to finally go into the doc for years and then when I threatened to leave he went) and was tested for positive with low-testosterone, and even with what is on the line, he still hasn't taken medication given to him. 

    I've grown lonely even while at home. Every time I would say I was unhappy H would point out and say I was depressed and needed to go see someone, that the problem was me. Though as time progressed I grew homesick, I became more of an introvert. And during this whole time he said he thought things were fine. I have since told him what that I am in need of more physical connection with him I need more of a lover and a husband than I do of a roommate. And for almost three years my self-esteem has lessened more and more. I've felt that he’s not attracted to me so in return I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t desire intimacy as I used to. I feel like I have turned into him, that I am not interested in how his day is, or what he did in school and so on. We just sort of keep to ourselves and honestly....I like it better, I don't feel I have to constantly be trying to uphold a conversation because the silence between us has always been awkward. I don't have to be on my toes trying to impress him constantly.  I feel like I am disconnecting emotionally from the relationship and I feel like the "bad guy" because I feel like I tried and tried with little to nothing from him and now I don't want to try and then I am the bad one who isn't trying now. 

    We have started couples therapy and I am trying to keep an open mind but when I look at 5 years down the road I cant imagine having this sexless marriage, and feeling like I will forever be CHASING my husband. I know he is trying I get it and I love him, but I feel like I am not as IN love with him. And no I haven't cheated and yes it's crossed my mind but I don't want to be that person. I am just mentally exhausted and so out of touch now. And I just want to know if there are others who are in this situation or what helped. Like I said we are in couples and I am also seeing my own therapist. 

    This marriage is a shambles.

    There's nothing here for you -- this relationship was based on some sort of an odd need that he had; nothing healthy here and the dynamic is hoplessly fouled up.
  • edited April 2014
    wiggsaj said:
    I don't think any marriage is ever over until you sign the divorce paperwork. I think there is a lot of work that needs to be done, and a lot of effort that needs to be put in place, but in the end, you two will fall back in love. I'm sure.
    Good grief.

    Sillygirl45Janimaldoeydo
  • @tarponmonoxide

    thanks for the insights, I guess I just needed to have an outsiders point of view. I am dealing with my own skeletons in therapy and have been known to be somewhat of a push over and be "mommy" to every bf I have had. My therapist thought it was ironic that I even worked at a place where I cater/help people everyday. I work at a cancer clinic. I am learning to stand up for myself and with that, my H told me that I dont respect him like I used to. And it is....my marriage has been all over the place. 
  • It seems to me that you should continue therapy - for you.  Its time to walk away from this mess.  Life is short, and this marriage doesn't sound right for either of you.

    Part friends.  Move on.  Be happy.

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  • @tarponmonoxide

    thanks for the insights, I guess I just needed to have an outsiders point of view. I am dealing with my own skeletons in therapy and have been known to be somewhat of a push over and be "mommy" to every bf I have had. My therapist thought it was ironic that I even worked at a place where I cater/help people everyday. I work at a cancer clinic. I am learning to stand up for myself and with that, my H told me that I dont respect him like I used to. And it is....my marriage has been all over the place. 
    What's to respect?

    I see nothing at all.

    Let him go pound sand,
  • MissC81MissC81
    First Comment
    member
    I'm in a very similar situation as you are. I'm in a sexless marriage with my husband and we've only been married just under two years. I have a lot of resentment towards my husband. I feel like I gave up my whole life for him and his life was impacted very minimally. I've asked him to get help regarding the issue and he refuses to even go see a doctor. He refuses to go to couple's therapy. He says it's all my issues and that he's perfectly fine. He told me that he would rather get divorced than go to couple's therapy. I've asked him to divorce or if he wants out of this marriage and he says no, but we're both miserable. 
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