So I have been married to my H for almost 3 years, we've been together for 5. I was head over heels for him from the very beginning, he was someone who KNEW what he wanted and usually got it. From the get-go it was a very fast-paced romance, within months of dating he asked me to move in . I had never lived with a guy before so very new to me.We fought a lot dating, and about 2 1/2 years of dating the inevitable happened. His mom was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor and died within a month of being diagnosed. During which when he found out he paced around the room crying and then asked me to marry him..and I didn't answer right away, there were so many emotions and then I just said yes, now I want you to know I am not a monster, at least I don’t think I am, I love him but I think now in retrospect I didn't want to say no while his mom was on her deathbed. 4 months after he proposed he decided we needed to move since he wanted to be near his family. I stated that if he needed to leave to leave, I was prepared to let him go but he wanted or said he needed me to come with him. Now I know it’s my fault I shouldn't have agreed.He decided on when and where the wedding was, regardless of how hard it'd be for my family. We moved 2 weeks before wedding and lived with his sister and her family (and their newborn) for a few months till we got jobs/apt. Ever since I will admit I've held on feelings of regret/resentment. We had no honeymoon phase or anything it just happened.
I feel the entirety until now every decision has been made by H, not us, new car, quitting work for school etc,. I feel like I am not equal with him and that I have put him on a pedestal. I've felt unappreciated for some time and feel like I've lost myself in the last few years when I bring up issues he states its something wrong with me. Sex has always been the minimum with us always once a month or a few months I am the one with the high-drive not him, I've even been told to not initiate it because he said he would feel bad if turned me down, so I would wait and mention it when a month had pass. I am even going to the gym daily in hopes that maybe if I lose some weight he'd be more attracted to me. The past few months (I asked him to finally go into the doc for years and then when I threatened to leave he went) and was tested for positive with low-testosterone, and even with what is on the line, he still hasn't taken medication given to him.
I've grown lonely even while at home. Every time I would say I was unhappy H would point out and say I was depressed and needed to go see someone, that the problem was me. Though as time progressed I grew homesick, I became more of an introvert. And during this whole time he said he thought things were fine. I have since told him what that I am in need of more physical connection with him I need more of a lover and a husband than I do of a roommate. And for almost three years my self-esteem has lessened more and more. I've felt that he’s not attracted to me so in return I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t desire intimacy as I used to. I feel like I have turned into him, that I am not interested in how his day is, or what he did in school and so on. We just sort of keep to ourselves and honestly....I like it better, I don't feel I have to constantly be trying to uphold a conversation because the silence between us has always been awkward. I don't have to be on my toes trying to impress him constantly. I feel like I am disconnecting emotionally from the relationship and I feel like the "bad guy" because I feel like I tried and tried with little to nothing from him and now I don't want to try and then I am the bad one who isn't trying now.
We have started couples therapy and I am trying to keep an open mind but when I look at 5 years down the road I cant imagine having this sexless marriage, and feeling like I will forever be CHASING my husband. I know he is trying I get it and I love him, but I feel like I am not as IN love with him. And no I haven't cheated and yes it's crossed my mind but I don't want to be that person. I am just mentally exhausted and so out of touch now. And I just want to know if there are others who are in this situation or what helped. Like I said we are in couples and I am also seeing my own therapist.