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24 years old, engaged, needs help.

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for reading this!

I need your opinion, to make a long story short...

My fiance (28) and I (24) have been together for 5 years, and engaged for 4 years. We moved cross country (Virginia to California), about 6 months ago and started our own business. 

I think it was the worse possible mistake of my life. 

Here's the thing, I didn't finish college because I was sure I was going to marry him, I only ended up getting an Associates degree in business, have 10 years past experience in retail, and have now owned my own business for 6 months. 

He has no degree, and only has worked for his father in the past on the books, so really has no "real" work experience.

We have now been moved across the country for almost 6 months and know absolutely NO ONE where we live, we have NO friends, NO family.. no nothing besides our business.

We work 80+ hours a week together, have no employees and things have been rocky AS EVER.

We no longer talk about a wedding, and after 4 years of being engaged you think I'd have a long list of what I want our wedding to be like... nope!

I am just so depressed because I feel like moving cross country, and starting a business with him was just so wrong and now and feel stuck and have no idea what to do.

He tells me since I have no real experience.. I've never be able to get a job and he has threatened me saying that I'll have to "move back home with my parents". He's so negative, mentally abusive and it's tearing me up making me feel lifeless.

I'm an only child, really have no "real friends" because I've stuck by his side for so long.

Does anybody have any advice? Anything would be appreciated because I can't take this anymore. Thanks everyone

Re: 24 years old, engaged, needs help.

  • This is not a very active board, but I decided to check in here and found your post. It sounds like you could really use someone to talk to...do you have health insurance? I got divorced this year, and the best thing I did when my marriage imploded was start seeing a therapist. I have been seeing her for about a year and a half, and I don't know that I would have made it through what has been the hardest experience of my life without her. Would that be a possibility for you? It was really helpful for me to have an impartial person to listen to what I had to say and help me make sense of things.
    image

    "No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from." -Jewel

  • Honestly...with what you said about mental abuse...as scary as it sounds...I would seriously be looking into whatever it took for me to get out of that relationship and what all would be involved in getting my career plans back up to speed.  

    I was engaged twice.  The first time, was to a guy that I was sure I was going to marry so I was just "phoning it in" for the last year of my degree.  I managed to complete it, but then a lot more red flags started popping up.  Stuff like he wanted me to stay home, be a mom, change my last name to his, and on and on...it wasn't MY choice, it was HIM making these choices for me.  And then when I decided that I wanted to go back to school, he made it clear that I had "no one in my corner but" him, that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own, and that I wasn't smart enough to go back to school and succeed.  Well, I went anyway and I made Dean's List that first semester.  When he saw that I wasn't failing academically, but thriving, he dumped me on our 5th dating anniversary, the day before we were supposed to put down the final deposit for our venue.  He'd already been seeing someone else for months, and he married her less than a year after he dumped me, his first fiancee.  I DODGED A BULLET!  

    Now the thing that really stuck out to me was the "you're going to have to move back in with your parents" implying that he is trying to tell you that you will FAIL without him in your life.

    Please don't listen to this!  Are your parents in your corner?  Do you have a good relationship?  Would they be okay with you coming back and staying with them while you get back on your feet?  Explain that your relationship with your SO isn't as healthy as you want it to be, you feel threatened (because he is making threats towards you) and you just need a safe place to stay while you reassess and get things together.  There is NO shame in going back to fix a mistake (in this case, getting the degree that you originally wanted.)  If you do move back in with your folks, don't worry about what he says.  It's really not worth worrying about.  You need to focus on what is best for you personally and professionally.

    If I were a mother and my daughter called me with a story like yours, I would tell you that you are not a failure and families stick up for one another...and I would want my daughter back home with me and working to better her future instead of staying in an unhealthy relationship because she felt like she had no other choice.  I don't know about your family so I can't say that for sure, but please, if you feel like you can make that call, please do so.

    I wish you the best of luck! 
    kolache3LibbyL123
  • The statements he is making are verbally abusive and are controlling. He should never be threatening you. And honestly, whats so wrong with moving in with your parents.

    You need to go to therapy and decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or end it. It doesn't matter that you're engaged. You're 24! You have so much life to live. You can go back to school at any time! It will be hard and it will be like starting over, but starting over at 24 is better than starting over at 40 or 50!

    Please don't let him make life decisions for you. You deserve more!
  • Also, I wanted to point out that not finishing school, getting engaged but not committing, and moving far away from family, and having something that involves him all the time (business) are classic very classic signs of controlling/abusive relationship. That being said, please make plans and expect that he may be upset if you do decide to leave.
    kolache3
  • I'm late to the game here but I'm going to respond anyway.

    After so long with someone you feel like leaving is harder than staying and being unhappy, just out of convenience. Being with someone who's constantly telling you what you can't do, putting you down, and being judgmental is exhausting, and over time reinforces the feeling of being stuck. I've been there. Leaving wasn't easy, and I was initially terrified even though all I had to do was unweave our lives and move across town (we weren't married). The fear quickly went away when I realized how much better I felt to be rid of him. You have some work ahead of you, but you can do it, and it sounds like you need to do it.

    As for the lack of a degree--I never finished mine because I didn't know what direction I wanted to go in. I've been with my company for almost 7 years now and I have a great job. Granted, part of that is due to luck and getting in before the recession hit and working my way up, but there are a lot of places out there that will provide you with decent income and benefits without a degree.
    imageimage
  • You are only 24, ditch him move back home and get your degree. The fact that you didn't finish school for a man shows you need to learn how to take care of yourself. Once you get a degree, make a name for yourself you can find a good man who will be a partner and never ever ditch friends or a support system for a man.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker LilySlim Weight loss tickers
    BlinkMe182
  • iverske9 said:
    You are only 24, ditch him move back home and get your degree. The fact that you didn't finish school for a man shows you need to learn how to take care of yourself. Once you get a degree, make a name for yourself you can find a good man who will be a partner and never ever ditch friends or a support system for a man.
    This pretty much 100%...
    you're young- you have a lot of room to go back, grow up, and move on.    Get it together for yourself and away from him

    Good Luck
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Anniversary
  • Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for reading this!

    I need your opinion, to make a long story short...

    My fiance (28) and I (24) have been together for 5 years, and engaged for 4 years. We moved cross country (Virginia to California), about 6 months ago and started our own business. 

    I think it was the worse possible mistake of my life. 

    Here's the thing, I didn't finish college because I was sure I was going to marry him, I only ended up getting an Associates degree in business, have 10 years past experience in retail, and have now owned my own business for 6 months. 

    He has no degree, and only has worked for his father in the past on the books, so really has no "real" work experience.

    We have now been moved across the country for almost 6 months and know absolutely NO ONE where we live, we have NO friends, NO family.. no nothing besides our business.

    We work 80+ hours a week together, have no employees and things have been rocky AS EVER.

    We no longer talk about a wedding, and after 4 years of being engaged you think I'd have a long list of what I want our wedding to be like... nope!

    I am just so depressed because I feel like moving cross country, and starting a business with him was just so wrong and now and feel stuck and have no idea what to do.

    He tells me since I have no real experience.. I've never be able to get a job and he has threatened me saying that I'll have to "move back home with my parents". He's so negative, mentally abusive and it's tearing me up making me feel lifeless.

    I'm an only child, really have no "real friends" because I've stuck by his side for so long.

    Does anybody have any advice? Anything would be appreciated because I can't take this anymore. Thanks everyone
    Run like hell.

    This is emotional abuse.

    Do not look back.

    What you need to do:

    Safeguard your assets --- do not let him access your money, your credit cards, your assets or bank accounts --- get the numbers of the accounts changed.

    You reached a dead end with him years ago --- that he is abusive means you leave immediately.

    Go home to your parent's house. That would be the quickest and easiest thing to do; pay cash for a bus ticket or get into your car and leave.

    You could just get into the car and drive away; don't take anything with you.
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